Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.
For sports fans, one of the saddest side notes of the new millennium has been the drug scandals in some of our favorite pastimes, from baseball and football to midget juggling. But in the last two years, we've seen evidence that there is another enhancer that does not call for syringes or ask you to seek medical treatment for an erection lasting more than four hours.
Of course, I speak of the mustache, the lip sweater, the lower nose garden, the mouth brow, the fuzzy tickler -- whatever you wish to call it. And a combination of science and sport are slowly proving the lip sweater be the ultimate performance-enhancing substance.
Just this past Saturday, the American Mustache institute
tracked the performances of two very special mustached athletes -- Landry Jones and Brendan Ryan. What we found was perhaps the beginning of a trend, which could lead to a new generation of athletes who enhance their game like the Larry Csonkas and Rollie Fingerses of old ...
In Norman, Okla., a young Mustached American named Landry Jones was making just his second start at quarterback for the Oklahoma Sooners in place of the injured Sam Bradford, last year's Heisman Trophy winner. Jones and his lip cushion completed 25 of 37 passes for 336 yards and a school-record six touchdowns as the Sooners routed Tulsa, 45-0.
In St. Louis, home of the world's largest mustache, the Gateway Arch, Brendan Ryan was as recently as a few months ago nothing more than a utility infielder fighting for a few nickels to pay for his next lapdance. Then he became the starting shortstop for the St. Louis Cardinals, grew a labia sebucula
(Latin for "lip sweater"), and inspired his team into first place.
As AMI officials looked on last Saturday, Ryan and his team were tied with the Chicago Cubs in the bottom of the ninth inning. Then, out of nowhere, Ryan's star climbed a little bit higher with a one-out game-winning single. This, after hitting a home run four innings before.
Sure, these performances may very well vault each of these men into candidacy for the American Mustache Institute's Robert Goulet Memorial Mustache American of the Year
, but there's a bigger point being made here that may impact the very nature of American sport. These two budding stars are proving once again the theorem that there is no more powerful performance-enhancing substance than a robust mustache.
If only Barry Bonds and all his cohorts had taken this to heart, perhaps their reputations wouldn't be soiled and their heads would (literally) be a little bit smaller today.
For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every Wednesday on Asylum.