Sep 25th 2009 By Ian Fortey
Being on a jury is not always as easy and fun as TV would have us believe. Sometimes it's as awful as the movie "Jury Duty." For instance, imagine you had to sit on the jury of Robert Melia, a Moorestown, Penn., police officer who was on trial for animal cruelty
after videos surfaced of him with his penis in the mouths of several cows.
Charges against the man were dropped, despite there being video evidence, because the grand jury couldn't decide if the cows had been "tormented" or just "puzzled." Those are actual quotes, which makes one wonder what exactly the jurists were thinking.
As luck would have it, modern justice has seen fit to randomly outfit jury members with inner monologue transcription devices, and we have the actual transcript of what one juror was thinking during this trial. (Translation: Read on for a bunch of stuff we made up.)
"These chairs are uncomfortable. Smells weird in here. Man, that guy looks guilty. Oops, judge is talking, better listen."
"Wait, what? With a cow? With five cows? What the ... You've gotta be kidding."
"He's not kidding. But is it cruel? The cow looks confused, but don't cows always look that way. The guy next to me is writing notes. He just wrote the word "teat." No help there."
"Five cows? I guess if you do one, why not five?"
"Tough call on this one. On the one hand, probably not the best place to put your penis. On the other hand, cows don't seem any worse for wear."
"Sex with animals isn't illegal in this state. But cruelty is. So ... do we have to decide if it was cruel sex? I don't think I'm qualified to do any of this. Oh good, no one else knows what to do either. Case dismissed. Sweet. Now for the nightmares."