8 Comments
Stop writing your senators about health-care reform -- they're just humoring you anyhow. We have much more serious problems that you may have noticed if you've been paying any attention to the news, particularly from the South Pacific: God is trying to kill us.

This week we've had an earthquake and tsunami hit Samoa, another earthquake or two or 10 around Indonesia, "super-storm" typhoon Parma is on track to do a number on the Philippines just a few weeks after major flooding there and -- guess what? -- there was an earthquake in California this morning.

Please take time out today to write or channel your local deity, and ask Him/Her/It to stop kicking the crap out of the South Pacific, Cali and anywhere else with a thriving bikini culture.

While you're at it, ask Shiva the Destroyer over there to go a little easy in the future on these places that also always seem to be receiving some pretty harsh climatic and tectonic wedgies.


1. Bangladesh
Let's create a country between the different, but equally intense, insanities of Burma and India, kick it in the nuts so it's so low it floods all the time, and then have them make all of our clothes. Sound good?

Every typhoon eventually seems to land in Bangladesh, flooding everyone out again. Don't worry, it's good for earthquakes and civil unrest, too. Bangladesh would sweep the Olympics of disaster every year if it weren't always busy rebuilding the roof. We really like our new shirt from the Gap, though, so we'll ask the big guy to go easy on you all.

2. Africa
God, the word alone just makes us so depressed we have to go buy more stuff from Bangladesh. Somebody get Yah-Weh or whatever his name is to chill out with the famine and the genocide and dust storms and whatnot -- you're turning these people into pirates, for heaven's sake! Do you know how silly that sounds?

3. Oklahoma
All these people have are their Ford F-150s, Garth Brooks cassettes and mobile homes, and yet somebody thinks it's funny to constantly send tornadoes to toss them all up in the air for the hell of it. Seriously, another truck on top of a mobile home? That's so late-1990s Jerry Bruckheimer.

4. Haiti
We know it shares half an island with the Dominican Republic, yet while that side breeds awesome outfielders and pitchers, Haiti only seems to breed malaria and misery. Who forgot to send God the memo when we all decided that Cuba was the island we were all going to hate on?