The final vote is in, and apparently the International Olympic Committee prefers to spend their summers in sun-soaked, exotic destinations filled with beautiful and scantily clad people rather than a town known for its wind and Midwestern, working-class values.

Sorry, Chicago, but the site of the 2016 summer games will be Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Chi-town was eliminated in the first round of voting -- a teary-eyed President Obama and Oprah Winfrey were both asked immediately to leave Copenhagen without a rose in hand.

Rio also beat out Tokyo and Madrid to host the games, but sources say Chicago officials are taking the news the hardest, where many had assumed that both the city and the IOC's shared love of public corruption would have been a perfect fit.

Local politicians are assuring Chicagoans, however, that they kept the receipts for the set of gold-plated Jetskis purchased for the judges, which they "hope will be returned ... or else."