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Tommy Christopher is a political writer and Asylum's very own White House correspondent.

Since I can't dance and I'm too old for "American Idol," I was super-stoked to find out that the Washington Post is running a reality-show-style competition to find "America's Next Great Pundit." I never would've thought, when I was just a wee lad trying to hunt down a Phil Donahue rookie card, that one day I would have the chance to join such illustrious ranks?

Once the initial entries are winnowed down to 10 finalists, the real fun begins. The finalists get to do all the things a real pundit does, like "write on deadline, hold their own on video and field questions from Post readers ..." Whoever manages to do all that while only offending 49 percent of Americans just might be headed for a life of intellectual B-list fame and relentless daily email forwards from Paul Krugman.

Actually, the winner gets to write 13 weekly columns, at $200 a pop, that "may appear in the print and/or online editions of The Washington Post."

In lieu of my application, here are five reasons why I should be America's Next Great Pundit:

5. Opinions are like ...
We've all heard the expression "Opinions are like a**holes, everybody's got one." Well, I've actually got millions ... of opinions, not a**holes.

4. Used to the hours
According to the contest rules, I can expect to work about eight hours a week. If I cut out my daily spa treatment, I should be able to make that easy.

3. I am right about everything
Ninety percent of punditry is being sure you're right. Luckily, the toil you put into a column one week is forgotten the next, so nobody ever bothers to point out that Hillary Clinton wasn't picked to be vice president.

2. I've got a catchy name
No, not "Tommy Christopher." If I win, I will take a page from Charles Krauthammer's book, and change my name to Tommy Micksickle.

1. I can handle the groupies
It's common knowledge that a newspaper columnist gets more ass than a discount proctologist. I've been around the block a few times, and I won't let it distract me.