Kate Beckinsale, the star of "Underworld" and a host of other movies you've never seen, was just named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive
for 2009. In accepting this distinct honor, Beckinsale quipped, "This whole notion of being named Sexiest Woman Alive is going to earn me quite a beating."
She was talking about her brothers, who notoriously pick on her and distribute brutal noogies, but we're more concerned about the Internet, which will no doubt scream bloody murder at Esquire having overlooked (Insert Random Web Crush's Name Here.)
In that spirit, we offer five favorite hot women Esquire should have nominated instead.
When will this girl get out of our dreams into our cars? She's always in the spotlight, taunting us with her giant Jay-Z-purchased wedding ring, shaking her tail feather in music videos, and generally highlighting that billion-dollar body. Ms. Knowles is like that girl next door you fell in love with at the age of 12, only she hit puberty years ahead of you and developed the world's greatest gams, butt and smile. In other words, she makes you want to go back inside and play Atari for the rest of your life, crying quietly.
Certainly the most divisive entry on our list, Keira Knightley's wafer-thin body drives people wild -- in both negative and positive ways. Some people boycott her movies because they don't want to puke when she takes her clothes off. But others boycott other
movies when hers are in theaters, buying up blocks of tickets to drool night after night.
Do we really need to defend this choice? First of all, she won the Esquire title a few years back for her famous teaser spread
that had us at half mast for three months. Second of all, "The Devil's Advocate" sex scene. Third of all, "The Devil's Advocate" sex scene.
Remember her? She used to be famous and quite attractive before she married that guy from the National Lampoon movies. Marrying her helped blow up his national profile, and now he's starring alongside Sandra Bullock in b lockbuster date movies, while ScarJo suffers a major career downturn. Luckily, she hasn't lost any of her good looks -- it helps that her body is all natural, baby.
Salma was once poised to be the first Latin A-list star of American cinema. She received a Best Actress Oscar nomination for "Frida" and looked just one or two movies away from her big blockbuster breakthrough. Unfortunately, Penelope Cruz crept up out of nowhere and started stealing all her "seductress" roles and then Hayek became sidelined by a pregnancy, birth and marriage. But like our other girlfriend Scarlett, Salma is still 111 percent smokin' and all natural. There's a reason we write these stupid lists and it's so we'll never forget Salma, our first love.
From the Web:
Russell Brand's Celeb Conquests
Zombie Hooker Nightmare!
How To Have Sex in Water.