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Today marks the eighth anniversary of the invasion of Afghanistan, and almost a decade later we're still there. Anyway, these days things in Afghanistan are only slightly better than life in Flint, Mich., and support for the war effort there seems to be waning.

Fortunately, we've compiled our crack Asylum foreign policy team -- including Jimmy the vending machine repair guy and a pic of Donald Rumsfeld's head superimposed on Fabio's body -- to come up with three (count 'em, three!) pathways to success in Afghanistan.

So Happy Birthday, Afghan War! And Bob Gates or Stanley McChrystal, if you're listening, here's a few strategies to help make sure there won't be too many more.

1. The Ralph Macchio Strategy
One thing that's lacking in today's Afghanistan is a strong leader. President Hamid Karzai is kind of a wuss. A wuss backed by some totally corrupt and scary drug lords, but still a wuss. That's why the CIA needs to jump to action to bring Pat Morita back from the "dead" (we hear he's really in Bhutan, or maybe working at a Starbucks in Hoboken) to teach Karzai the power of "wax on, wax off." There's no way the Taliban will ever see the "crane kick" coming -- and they'll be totally confused by all the video montages set to the hits of the early '80s.

2. Read "The Kite Runner" Over and Over Again
There's got to be a winning plan in there somewhere. If not, at least we'll learn the unending power of true friendship and tear up as we share in a boyhood bond that proves to be even stronger than the horrors of war. We'll also learn that penning a bestseller has more to do with coming from a country that's totally effed than actually being a decent writer.

3. Surge the number of our troops on the ground with the help of NATO and other allies in areas around Taliban-held areas to slowly drive them from the country, while employing a 'clear and hold' strategy to ensure that extremist groups are not able to reconstitute in-country, all the while pouring aid and development money into the country at the community level to ensure that Afghans have a diverse and vibrant economy from which they can begin to rebuild their lives.
Just kidding. That would never work. Hey, that Ahmadinejad guy is really kind of a douche, ain't he? Let's pull some of the boys out of Kabul and go kick some Iranian ass!