How Will the Baucus Health-Care Reform Affect Guys Like Us?

The "America's Healthy Future Act of 2009," better known as the "Baucus bill," has been passed by the Senate Finance Committee. It will now be combined with other health-care bills from the House and Senate into a tasty legislative gumbo.

Since the final health-care bill is likely to strongly resemble the Baucus bill, we thought we'd explain how the bill might affect you. By "you," we mean three oversimplified male archetypes: Unemployed Dude, Cubicle Drone and Scumbag Guy.

Unemployed Dude
Maybe you just got canned for watching too much porn at work, or maybe you're just lazy and accustomed to your mom's basement. The point is, you don't have a job.

The Good News: Under the Baucus bill, insurance companies can't turn you down for health reasons. That means they have to pay for your Valtrex even if you get insurance after your trip to Vegas. While the bill also requires everyone to get, and maintain, health insurance, your broke ass gets an exemption. The bill also provides subsidies for premiums if you don't qualify for Medicaid.

The Bad News: If you don't get the insurance, be careful. Emergency treatment can still clean you out, so mind your binge-drinking.

Cubicle Drone
You're a regular guy, with a regular job, and you know how to conceal your porn-viewing from your boss.

The Good News: If your company's insurance is worth less than $21,000 a year, the Baucus bill doesn't tax your plan. You're young, which is a plus, because insurance companies can charge up to five times more for old people. Also, the penalties for not getting coverage are so low, you can wait until you get sick and pocket the difference.

The Bad News: If your company decides not to offer health benefits, you'll be forced onto an individual insurance market with no public option, but will be required by law to purchase insurance. If you think the handful of insurance companies are going to knock each other out offering lower rates for something you have to buy, take a gander at your car insurance bill.

Scumbag Guy
You haven't taken very good care of yourself in your young life, and now, you've got some kind of pre-existing scurvy or genital warts. You're "self-employed," or work for a small business.

The Good News: As we said before, the insurance companies can't turn you down, or charge you more for a preexisting condition. Since you could easily die under the current system, that's all the good news you really need.

The Bad News: With no public option, and with all of your healthy buddies not getting insurance because they feel invincible, your rates are going to be high because the risk pool will be smaller. You'll also have to deal with dirty looks from people who take care of themselves, but have to pay more because of you.