No one likes a c*ckblocker -- least of all video game heroes. Your drunken friend may constantly interrupt your attempt to hit on a girl at a party by showing off his tattoos, but that's nothing compared to being this close to pixel-pounding only to have some douchebag actually kidnap your lady ... or worse. You're trying to lock it down, and they make you run through multiple levels of traps, enemies and boss fights.
Read on for a list of gaming's most infamous c*ckblockers
Bowser ("Super Mario Bros.")
Mario has the worst luck when it comes to getting some quality private time with his woman. He just wants to eat the princess' peach, but Bowser swoops in throwing his weight around trying to force the princess into bestiality that would make even the most inbred redneck blush. This happens every couple years or so, or whenever Nintendo needs some easy money.
Ganon ("The Legend of Zelda")
Princess Zelda is a prime candidate for a royal plugging, but Ganon (he dropped the 'dorf' because it wasn't helping with the ladies -- they were convinced he was related to Steven Dorff) throws down a platonic c*ckblock in order to gain ultimate power and rule Hyrule. Link dresses up like a Keebler's elf for his woman and Ganon nabs her to spite him. Real classy.
The Shadow Warriors Gang ("Double Dragon")
In the early '80s, one gang was well known for its unique group block that involved swarming a young girl on the street, punching her in the stomach, and just walking away with her. OK, so it was less c*ckblock than aggravated assault and kidnapping, but the Shadow Warriors just couldn't let Billy Lee have fair Marion. When you have a name like Abobo, getting girls' digits is difficult; kidnapping them seems to be the only alternative.
Sephiroth ("Final Fantasy VII")
Many d-bags engage in the behavior out of their own attraction to a girl: Seeing another guy get the girl they secretly love is heart-wrenching. Sephiroth has absolutely no romantic interest in Aerith; he's just an insane bastard. He decides to penetrate her with his 12-foot katana (no, not a euphemism). Screwing with protagonist Cloud's head just happens to be icing on the cake. Oh, well. At least Tifa survives.
Everything ("Mass Effect")
When word first leaked of a steamy sex scene featuring blue alien ass and the possibility of zero-G girl-on-girl scissoring in the space opera "Mass Effect," hentai-loving gamers moaned in unison -- it was awkward and creepy. Still, the game managed to employ an epic c*ckblock. To gamers' great dismay, getting their avatar Commander Shepherd some polygonal poontang proved exceedingly time-consuming and difficult. Gamers had to spend dozens of hours completing fetch quests, engaging in banal conversations, and traveling all over the galaxy, all for an over-before-it-started sex scene that left them feeling inadequate and unsatisfied. Talk about art imitating life.
Satan ("Ghosts 'n Goblins")
Leave it to the devil himself to orchestrate such a demonic c*ckblock. Knight Arthur is on the cusp of getting his lance polished (he even wore his lucky silk heart boxers), only to watch a demon grab his girlfriend during a romantic picnic in a graveyard. Arthur was looking for some hot, wet action on a cold, hard granite slab. Fueled by vengeance (and blue balls), Arthur heroically sets out to rescue his girlfriend. The chance to show off his wild exhibitionist side by stripping off his suit of armor whenever a crow hits him is just a bonus.
Uncle Paulie ("The Darkness")
When Mafia hitman Jackie Estacado is possessed by a demonic force called The Darkness -- with the caveat that he will die if he knocks his girlfriend Jenny up -- you'd think it couldn't really get any worse for him. Monogamy and perpetual safe sex is a redundant brew. Leave it to Jackie's boss Paulie to one-up this otherworldly pact by blowing Jenny's brains out. Good luck explaining your unique situation to another girl, Jackie: "Yeah, see, I got dis power, and um, I gotta wear a raincoat, else I'll sleep with the fishes when I screw ya. Capice?"
The Dark Queen ("Battletoads")
Sometimes women can interrupt digital coitus as well. Case in point: the Dark Queen, an S&M goth chick who kidnaps Princess Angelica to prevent an amphibian orgy. In this situation, it's easy to understand her motivation. Does anyone condone toad-on-human sex? It's just weird to see someone who's obviously into some kinky shit passing judgment and drawing a line in the sand about what's appropriate.
Pyramid Head ("Silent Hill 2")
When the sexy lookalike of your dead wife is locked inside a prison cell in a dilapidated, abandoned town and says she's ready to bang, you don't let simple questions like, "Why does this woman look like my dead wife?" or "What the hell am I doing here?" bother you. No. You think with your little fleshy pyramid head and set out to get to that prison cell. James Sunderland disregards the grotesque monstrosities that stand in his way and the constant brain-scrambling sirens that knock him unconscious for unspecified amounts of time; he just wants some action. Instead, he has to stand by helpless as sexpot Maria is skewered with an enormous spear by a guy in a giant metal helmet. When you're blocked that badly, sloppy seconds is definitely not an option.
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