Jake the Snake Warns Florida Snake Problems Will Spread

The state of Florida failed to take a former professional wrestling star seriously, and now the entire southern United States risks being dominated and overrun by all these snakes on the mother-effin' terrain. OK, so maybe it didn't happen quite that way, but it is true that Florida is experiencing Samuel-Jackson-on-an-airline-style panic at the increasingly common sight of some foreign invaders, namely Burmese pythons and yellow anacondas.

It's also true that Florida resident and former WWF superstar Jake "The Snake" Roberts says he's been sending out ominous warnings for years, but no one listened.

"Ever since Adam and Eve, its been about the snake. Snakes are not the problem. The ignorant people that owned them are," says Roberts.

It's been suggested that the outbreak of exotic and scary-big snakes now popping up across the Sunshine State could have started back in 1992, when Hurricane Andrew destroyed half of the state, including several pet shops. From there, these boas and pythons have taken to the woods, where they have laid astronomical numbers of eggs (a constrictor can lay up to 100 eggs in one trip to the outhouse, say the experts.)

"As for the idea of controlling them," says the Snake with a devilish laugh, "Good luck."

Roberts also warns that northerners should be worried, too. Florida may be able to contain many of its more, uh, quirky residents -- like those old men with bazookas, the tasered emus and their gay Republican Governor, but the Snake says his brethren would have no problem surviving in more chilly climes:

"What, you think us snakes don't know that buildings are heated? They are survivors. And trust me, not only will they survive, but the problem will continue to grow."

Backpacker Magazine concurs that if "these cold-blooded critters decide to migrate, they could find homes in the Southern U.S., Texas, and California."

While making their Kerouacian pilgrimage across the continent, the snakes are also bound to drop off a few kids in your pool, creating tidal waves of chaos and threatening the country's entire ecosystem - or at least lead to a sweet new movie and probably be ripe for some sweet memes, too.

Dr. Robert Reed, who worked on a federal survey of the snake problem, told Fox News he's seen bobcats, alligators, and even short people inside of these reptilian over-eaters, so nothing stands a chance against an invasion.

That's no surprise to Jake Roberts, who made a career as a Snake just doin' what a snake's gotta do:

"Just don't blame (the whole problem) on the snakes," he says quietly.