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In this day and age, it's hard to believe that things like this still happen, but a Louisiana Justice of the Peace has refused to grant a marriage license to an interracial couple. JP Keith Bardwell, of course, says he's not a racist. Why would anyone think that? His non-racist rationale? "My main concern is for the children."

He reasons that children of interracial marriages will have a hard time being accepted later in life. While we still want to barf, we also think that Bardwell should at least apply this standard fairly. Hence, we suggest the following list of people who should be denied marriage licenses to protect their possible children:

Trekkies
Of course, we don't expect all fans of Star Trek to be forbidden to marry, but we need to draw the line somewhere. If you know more than just a few touristy phrases of Klingon, if you commit crimes in costume, if you routinely pronounce the acronyms of Star Trek movies in conversation (eg "Twock" for "The wrath of Khan"), or if you indignantly protest that you're a "Trekker, not a Trekkie!", move along. You're too big a dork to mate.

People Who Buy Products "As Seen on TV"
Again, we don't want to cast too wide a net. There are some pretty useful products in this category (hello, Sham-WOW), and everyone's entitled to a momentary lapse of judgment. If you have purchased 2 or more of the following products, however, we fear for your future offspring: The Snuggie, Chia anything, ExtenZe, those electric shock "ab-slimmers," that colon-cleansing deal and any and all exercise doohickeys (if you really want one, wait a month and pick it out of your neighbor's garbage).

People Who Own Dice That Have More or Less Than Six Sides
You know who you are. If your idea of "role playing" doesn't involve a redhead wig, at least one nurse's uniform and a fully-charged camcorder, we're afraid we can't let your kids grow up to be stuffed into school lockers.

These People:


Amy Winehouse
Do we need to say more?