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Sometimes, you need to get inside your opponent's skull and do jumping jacks when you can't legitimately win a game online.

No matter how good you are, you're never going to beat the kid who plays 15 hours a day. The only way you could is if you played 15 hours a day, but you're a baby daddy and you have to get paid and you have to get laid. So you're just going to have to find another, more indirect way of winning. You're going to have make him question his actions and weaken his ego. And we're not just talking about making fart sounds and mother-dissing. This is full-scale psychological warfare.

Tactic 1 – Tool on 'Em - Most of the hardcore gamers you'll face out there are focused purely on winning the game. Try to bring up any other topic besides video games, and he'll get so irate that he'll start to get sloppy. So having a friend read an entire transcript of a "Home Improvement" episode while you play will throw him off so badly that he'll be helpless against your attacks. Even better if you can have your friends join in for all the roles. Tim Allen for the win!

Tactic 2 – Sex 'Em
There is no greater distraction to a soldier than that of a beautiful woman (or man). FACT: Back in World War II, just the sight of a woman's leg by a squad could drive the enemy so insane that an entire battle could be lost. So imagine how devastating a hardcore porn clip played at full volume into the headphones of your enemies would be. Devastating. Make sure to pick an especially aggressive scene for maximum effectiveness!

Tactic 3 – Depress 'Em - A lot gamers out there still live the easy life: playing their $60 games in a fancy beanbag chair in their parents' lavish basement. They'll seem complacent and hard to rile at first, but they aren't invincible. The best way to break their psyche is to give these clowns a taste of how the other side live. Here's what you have to do: have your friends or parents fight violently in the background, play a recording of a crying, coughing baby, and throw a bottle at a wall. Their ivory towers will come crumbling down, and you'll be waiting to pick them off!

Tactic 4 – Romance 'Em - For all the macho posturing that gamers do, deep down they're all a bunch of flower-picking softies who just want to find a little love in life. They'll be easily distracted by a pluck or two at their heartstings, which can easily be done with a little crooning on your part. Just pick a Sinatra song or three or four and belt them out over the course of a match. By the time you're done with "Strangers in the Night" your potential pwners will be swept off their feet – by your gun!

Tactic 5 – Grammy 'Em - The marvel of online gaming is that you can conceal your real identity and make your opponents think that you're anybody else. If you're lucky enough to have a grandmother you should employ her services for an afternoon. Have her wear your headset and she'll fool your enemies into thinking you're an insane grandma who happens to be smokin' their ass with a rocket launcher. You don't even have to tell her what to say, just let her ramble on into a headset about vitamins and "Maury" for as long as you need to psych out your opponents. Who's the noob now? Not grandma!

Alright, now you have five aces up your sleeve so you're ready to take on the best of them. Go forth and damage some minds!