Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.

Much like when a drunken uncle touches a 14-year-old cousin after a quart of Johnny Walker Red on Thanksgiving, a wonderful time of year -- 'Stache Bash Week 2009 -- has been ruined. And this time, Gavin McInnes is the twisted uncle.

Very sadly, professional square dance technician and nail salon founder Gavin McInnes has chosen this week to vociferously attack the American Mustache Institute for our position against the spousal compromise, aka the beard.

After watching his profanity-laced tirades (NSFW), AMI sent Mr. McInnes a cease and desist order, which we are displaying for your perusal and to illustrate that AMI will not cave, nor back away from its core principles ...

Mr. McInnes,
We have seen the video that you have posted both on StreetCarnage, and have great respect for your dramatic audio/visual skills and dental hygiene.

Understand there is good reason the American Mustache Institute is often compared to the Likud party within the Israeli parliament in that we are a hard-line organization. This is why we consider the beard or goatee to represent the spousal compromise, or the halfway point between the utter weakness of the clean-shaven and the sheer, unbridled power of the Mustached American.


It is where your spouse, girlfriend or, in your case, life partner (not that there's anything wrong with that) says to you, "Honey, I can't deal with all of the awesomeness of that labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater"). But I could deal with a goatee or beard." Hence, the spousal compromise.

 So while we appreciate your robust good looks -- at least now that you have shaved that wretched beard -- we request that you cease and desist all disparaging remarks about the American Mustache Institute, broadly considered by the Venezuelan government and L. Ron Hubbard as the bravest organization in the history of mankind behind only the U.S. military and the post-Jim Henson Muppets.

You see, as Rollie Fingers once told me over a feline omelet, "Much like Dave Navarro, beards are putrid, filled with weevils, and often contaminated by herpes sores and lice." And we should all learn from Rollie.

Thank you again for your fine video stylings, and we hope you enjoy your stay in the Mustached American community.

Carry on,
Dr. Abraham Jonas Froman

For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every Wednesday on Asylum.