Generally speaking, if someone tries to punch you then you can punch him back. (Alternately, you can push him, jackknife-powerbomb him
, triangle-choke them, or you could do one of those crazy capoeira flipping spin kicks.) You have the right to defend yourself against someone who is attacking you. But what about when it comes to the more subtle dilemmas?
Sure, it would be fun to go around cold cocking anyone you wanted to all the time. It would be fun to eat a gallon of ice cream every day, but you'd be dead within a year. That's God showing you that "fun" isn't a good enough justification. So we've put together an FAQ to help guide you through some of those gray areas of fighting.
Can I hit a guy wearing glasses?
You can definitely hit a guy wearing glasses. You can hit a guy wearing anything -- suspenders, platform shoes, a bow tie, or even if he is completely naked. What a guy is or isn't wearing does not prevent you from hitting him. No matter what. As long as he messes with you first.
What if he hasn't attacked you yet, but he will?
If it's really obvious that he's going to attack you then don't just sit there and wait for it. Fortune favors the bold, right? Unless you're a trained fighter -- and let's face it, you're not -- then you probably won't be any good at parrying a punch and countering with your own. A real street fight is a lot like losing your virginity. Everyone's adrenaline is real high, a few smacks to the face, some rolling around on the ground, and you're spent and sweaty after a minute.
Keep reading to find out if you can fight a woman ...
What if the guy has friends?
Good question, but now I have a question for you: How crazy do you want to get? Realistically, if you're outnumbered, don't fight back and just get out of there. If it works out that the d-bag trying to fight you has two d-bag friends and you have two gung-ho friends then you need to make a general assessment of your friends. Are your friends any good at fighting? And are they ready to get nuts? Or better still, are they drunk enough to get into a rumble but not so drunk they'll be a liability in a scrap? Do a quick head count, answer those few queries and then make your next move.
Can you fight the handicapped?
That depends. If it's a physical disability, then yes. If some guy with one leg swings at you then that was his mistake. You should use more discretion when fighting the handicapable, but just because he's in a wheelchair doesn't give his mouth impunity. If it's a mental disability then I would say no. I would suggest pushing or restraining him. If for whatever reason you know how to take someone down and choke him out or submit him Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu-style then go for it. One, it's badass, and two, it's effective and fairly nonviolent. But I'm pretty sure if you punch a mentally disabled person you immediately are bound by fire to the third ring of hell.
Can I hit a woman?
No. You just can't. I don't care if she is 6-foot-5 and rippling with steroid muscles. You just can't hit a woman. There are some things that a guy should never waver on. A guy should never use emoticons, drink beer with a straw, turn down a free steak, admit to being afraid of the dark, miss the Super Bowl, or hit a woman. Unless it gets you laid. If somehow breaking one of the above holy hexinity laws directly impacts you successfully getting laid then break it. But really, you shouldn't hit a woman.
Jordan Newmark is Asylum's MMA correspondent.