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Experts say the best way to avoid getting caught in a sex scandal is to avoid becoming a famous married television personality with a penchant for 22-year-old interns who have daddy issues. Then again, why don't those experts just chop off our useless testicles while they're at it, for all the fun we'll have with those restrictions?

Luckily for you, we're here to help you avoid detection in your office liaisons. With a look back on some infamous in-house sex scandals, we'll show you how to avoid repeating these historic faux pas.

David Letterman
Can you imagine explaining this one to an alien like Mr. Spock? "Yeah, so there's this talk show host who throws a lot of pencils. He is old, has buckteeth, lives on a farm and finally married his long-suffering girlfriend practically against his own will. The women who work for him love him; some have allegedly had sex with him and maybe even fallen for the bastard. Then, some total stranger who works upstairs allegedly blackmailed the old talk show host for millions of dollars ... and ended up in jail. Make sense to you?"

Lesson Learned: You're going to get caught and you're going to get blackmailed. If you want to play the game, set aside 10 percent of your earnings in case anybody else at CBS needs to make an alimony payment.

Steve Phillips
Even people we've never heard of can be caught up in headline-making, career-killing sex dramas. All it takes is two elements: a young female staff member and a pissed-off wife. Phillips is out of a job as an analyst at ESPN, where he met a 22-year-old intern named Brooke Hundley and began a three-week-long affair. Phillips' wife Marni and their four kids have hightailed out of the Phillips mansion, flinging divorce papers over their shoulders.

Lesson Learned: Being someone we've never heard of isn't enough to protect you from a sex scandal.

John Edwards
We always knew this guy was up to something. He was the too-perfect liberal Southern Democrat, that unbeatable trifecta for a presidential competition. Of course, Rielle Hunter, that mysterious documentarian who may become the first woman ever to remain totally silent about a major sex scandal, had to come along and find Johnny boy's weak spot. (Hint: It's in his pants.)

Edwards' initial strategy was to have a staffer cover for him by saying the affair was actually his -- actually a pretty smooth move from a public relations standpoint. But later making a secret visit to the woman he was having an affair with to check out their baby revealed that he was not as slick as previously believed.

Lesson Learned: If you're going to have a co-worker take the dive, make sure he's willing to switch blood samples with you to pass a paternity test, too. Also, might want to let a trusted friend in on your exploits, just to get an outside perspective and make sure you're not off the Richter scale of douchebaggery by, say, cheating on your cancer-stricken wife. Dude!

Those horny kids at an advertising agency
For about a week last year, the story of the ad agency sex romp was the biggest thing on the Internet that didn't involve cats. Filmed in near silence with a cell-phone camera by a voyeur working late, it shows a guy mounting a girl on a cubicle floor and then humping away for just over a minute. We don't need to have the Associated Press confirm that these two were cheating on their respective partners -- no one who has ever had sex on an office floor was married to the other person. Usually, the other person was just Bernie Madoff.

Lesson Learned: If you're getting it on at the office, it might be wise to make sure your boss has left for the night in case he drops by to give you a W-4 form or take video of your ass.

Gavin Newsom
"With the startling admission -- and public apology -- regarding an affair with his campaign manager's wife, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom set off on Thursday what one Democratic strategist described as a mushroom cloud over his promising political career." That was the San Francisco Chronicle report on the unmarried mayor's emerging sex scandal, on February 2, 2007. Where is that very embarrassed, clearly doomed chump now? Why, he's the frontrunner to replace Governor Kindergarten Cop next year and still the top gun in Ol' Frisco.

Lesson Learned: If you're going to have an affair at the office, it's best if you're not the one who's doing the cheating. Also, you may not want to cheat on your own wife with the wife of your closest friend, who also happens to be keeping your career alive.

Gentlemen, the moral of all these stories is the same: If you know you're going to cheat, don't get married. And for the love of God, if you're not going to listen to most of this advice, then please don't videotape anything! But if you have already videotaped your indiscretions and you need someone to safeguard those tapes, we're here for you.