Clichés are omnipresent in our ADD society. From The New York Times to Bazooka Joe, we just can't stop till we get enough. Here on the information superhighway it is even more pronounced. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, James Frey has a LOT of fans in blogging: derivative, hackneyed, predictable, a favorite of Oprah ... wait, that's the president. But let us be clear, blogging is a cliché hotbed. The collision of blogs with political and popular culture is the perfect storm of bad writing. Uber annoying.
Well, every dog has his day, and today is Cliché Day on the Internet. In honor of the occasion, Asylum has compiled a list of some of the
best blogging clichés EVAH!
In Which I:
In which we suggest that the "in which I
" construction has had its 15 minutes. Seriously. In which it was enough. In which it has been beaten to death. In which it is so worn out, even mocking it is annoying. The breathless overuse of this form in blogs must be stopped at any cost.
Breathless prose, breathless objections, breathless reporting
. We don't know if this is a result of Global Warming, but we think it is high time we get some air back. We've had it up to here. Start breathing, ladies and gentlemen. Hey bloggers, Danielle Steele called, she wants her imagery back.
Hey the Internet, the Real World Called, They Want Their Suck Back
"Hey [blank], the [blank] called
" jokes are really starting to get our goat. This one is most often used to call out or attack other clichés, which we think may cause a rift in the space-time continuum. If you're going to snark at someone for using a worn-out joke, try not to do it with a worn-out joke. You actually made us throw up in our mouths a little just now.
I Just Threw Up in My Mouth
I just threw up in my mouth
, I just peed myself a little, I think my bowels just moved ... Yes, that describes last Saturday morning pretty effectively, but it is as worn out as Internet jokes get. It's in blogs, it's in the comments sections. Snark isn't so snarky when it's so overused, last time I checked. Snark FAIL.
Hey, rest of the world, Failblog
called, they want their carefully guarded intellectual property back. OK, in all likelihood we'll never get past this one. The FAIL meme is simply too useful. But we can at least use it sparingly and smartly. Rule of thumb on use of FAIL: Asylum bloggers, yes; Michael Steele, no. When old fogies do it, they come off looking like they don't know their arse from a hole in the ground, mate.
! Brilliant! Arse! Bum! Bloggers casually throwing about British slang, euphemisms and style are tossers and should sod off. It doesn't make anyone believe you're not taking a "Futurama" marathon break to stare at your Megan Fox shrine. Coolness FAIL.
That's it. Just Megan Fox
. One more Megan Fox joke and we will literally puke into our collective mouths.
The misuse of literally
on the internet is literally an epidemic
. Whether people do it as a joke or because they are literally mentally challenged, using literally
as if it meant figuratively makes us want to kill and eat puppies. Literally. Misuse of this word is literally worse than Hitler. Its meaning has been tied to a chair and literally waterboarded for months. Seriously, I can haz no more literallys?
I Can Haz
Ha ha ha, that cat wants a cheeseburger
. OK, we're done laughing now. The I can haz meme is literally more contagious than swine flu. Yes, we think those pics are funny and yes, we read that blog so obsessively we lost three jobs, but everyone and their brother is out there creating lolcats contests and graphics as filler for otherwise useless blogs. It's literally more ubiquitous than Megan Fox. See what we did there?
See What I Did There?
Like FAIL or "threw up", "see what I did there
" is a snark crutch. You take what someone said, turn it back on them, and then say, "See what I did there?" You know, like a Charlie Gibson interview. I can haz Bush doctrine? We get it, snark is funny. But must we reuse so much content? In which it was time to get your clever on.
Reusing Old Blogs As If They Were New
Let's skip this one
It'S the Internets. K?
lolspeak, l33t, whatever you want to call it, it has fast gone from intentionally unhip to actually unhip. Sure, we all do it. But it is losing its funny faster than old SNL skits. So quit being teh suk and get with teh awesome internets. K?
Needs More Cowbell
Hey, you remember the part, um, on SNL, um, when Christopher Walken was in the recording studio? And he kept saying "I need more cowbell"? Remember that part?
That was awesome.
And then blogs happened. Do you have any idea how many MySpace profiles
are titled "Need more cowbell?" Here's another rule of thumb, if you're yukking it up to the same joke as someone who's MySpace page features a Twilight background and plays Lady Gaga when it loads, you're doing it wrong.
You're Doing It Wrong.
This cliché is only on the list because it's teh awesome
. As far as we are concerned, this one never goes out of style. In fact, if you hate it, you're doing it wrong. But hey, you're "entitled" to your own "opinion."
"Clever" Use of Quotes:
It has been said that this one is "immortal." Using "cleverly" placed quotation marks is, after all, one of the most "subtle" and "clever" forms of snark. See what we did there? Still, you can have "too much" of a "good" thing. Maybe "we" should ease up on this "before" we "start" looking like hacks. Enough said.
Of course clichés aren't just found the blogospherical. StreetLevel has compiled The Most Clichéd Hip-Hop Album Cover Poses
for today's celebration; ComicsAlliance is roasting the biggest clichés in comics
; and don't forget the Top 10 Music Clichés
So now we leave it to you, our "clever" and "numerous" readers, to leave in the comments YOUR hated