For better or worse, breasts are a big, supple part of what constitutes sexuality in our culture. So can you blame some women for paying a lot to get the perfect pair
? But ever since we read that some women can increase their cup size by undergoing hypnosis
, we wondered what alternatives to invasive and expensive surgery are available for increasing one's bust. Join us on a stroll through the weird world of non-surgical breast enhancement.
While probably not approved by any board-certified types, hypnotherapy claims to be able to put a woman into an old-fashioned trance and dupe her into having bigger breasts
For those uncomfortable with the thought of some stranger performing such a ritual and maybe implanting a few other suggestions, you can count on tried-and-true CDs that will whisk you away
to a sleep filled with pleasant dreams and a robust bosom. One-year money-back guarantee!
Read on for bust-ballooning ringtones and chest-enhancing gum.
Bust Up Gum
The Land of the Rising Sun is on the cutting edge of boob technology. In fact, Sony was originally started as a factory to create firm, supple boobage for the Japanese peasants who were all depressed as a result of constant Godzilla attacks. It's hardly a surprise that while we Americans are busy struggling with bras stuffed full of toilet paper and holding nipples aloft by strings attached to the ceiling, the Japanese have left all that behind in favor of simply chewing gum. Gum that leads to intense racks
The gum works because of additives that come from a plant called Pueraria mirifica
, and aside from increasing breast size, it's supposed to also increase vaginal secretions and improve skin. It was studied extensively at Thailand's Chulalongkorn University which, for all we know, was made up by someone who assumed no one would ever check to see if Chulalongkorn was even a word (we didn't). Their findings concluded that the gum was indeed a sweater kitten production line able to enhance breast size by as much as 80 percent. Evidence like that requires no further follow-up from any credible sources at all.
Breast Enhancing Ringtone
Thank the Japanese again for continuing to make breast enhancement a hands-free sort of thing. And this one's totally legitimate because a counselor involved in deprogramming doomsday-cult members invented it. Apparently the correct ring tone
, most likely not Beyoncé's latest single, can subliminally increase the breast measurements of anyone who listens to it. This probably means men must stay away as no one wants to grow man boobs every time grandma calls.
The Bust Blaster
Every since Suzanne Somers came up with the Thigh Master, we've all been enjoying perfectly sculpted thighs like living Greek gods. But that only covers the lower body, and someone had to tackle the chest with a simple, quick exercise to help boost a woman's chest
up to 6 full inches in only 90 days.
It may seem counterintuitive that extensive chest exercise would result in larger breasts if every single female bodybuilder on the planet is any indication, but they were probably just doing it wrong. The Bust Blaster
, which appears to be two bendy poles and a mat, is even endorsed in a testimonial by an attorney who knows the Bust Blaster is the real deal because it was awarded a U.S. patent -- and you can't patent anything useless. No, sir.
Laser Breast Enhancer BS-IBE1
What could sound safer and less insane than something that shoots lasers? The Laser Breast Enhancer
uses the latest in microbeam energy techniques to make breasts larger. How? According to a Web site that sells the device "(t)o effect special light momentum of certain wavelength light on galactophore tissue to enlarge breast." Seems pretty clear to us. Makes you wonder why surgery is even an option these days.
No Web site we found in our search actually mentioned what the machine and/or treatments cost, but they were all from Asian countries where powdered tiger penis has been known to serve as an aphrodisiac so it's possible you may not want these particular lasers being shot at your boobs any time soon.