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Each day in America, thousands of average-looking older people carry on torrid affairs. Eww, right?

While it's best not to think about it, every single person on Cornell University's Johnson School of Business's listserv was denied this ignorance Friday when a married and mullet-ed university employee named John accidental BCCed each one of them a thread of explicit emails he had been exchanging with Lisa, a fellow Cornell employee who is also married to someone else.

The blog Guest of a Guest got hold of the emails and printed the entire horror show on their site. For Cornell's part, they have apologized for the incident, and seem to be offering counseling to anyone who has been traumatized by what their inbox wrought. We've decided to reprint some of our favorite messages between John and Lisa, with notes, if you dare.

This is when it really gets going:

From: Lisa
Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:53 AM
To: John
Subject: RE:
I really hate the weekends anymore, how pathetic is that?!!?
On another note, I look like a damn schoolgirl today. Jake was up at 5:15 this morning and full of piss and vinegar so I had very little time to get ready. My hair's up in a pony tail and I've got on sneakers, jeans, and a sweatshirt.

Anytime a grown women offers up school girl imagery, it's inevitably going to lead to a discussion of her panties. Or, or in this case, her thong. When Lisa suggests John eat her thong for lunch, John tells her just how appetizing such a meal it would be:

From: John
Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:05 AM
To: Lisa
Subject: RE:
Wow! I just LOVE that idea! And it would require no extra seasoning, seeing as how it would have your savory juices all over it!!!

From there, the sloppy duo gets into strip clubs and lap dances, and then Lisa decides to show off a little bit by displaying her mastery of both logic and vocabulary:

From: Lisa
Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:54 AM
To: John
Subject: RE:

That depends on your definition of concerned. But, if I'm lurking in the dark to get you then conversely, you could be lurking in the dark to get me and just the mere thought of that doesn't concern me, but makes me very wet.

At this point the thread actually hits a bit of dry patch, with discussion of families and more traditional eating habits. (Granted, we're glossing over a spectacularly executed "CERTAINLY WOOD" pun.) Yet John is eventually able to turn it back to the uncomfortable intersection between sex and nutrition:

From: John
Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:44 PM
To: Lisa
Subject: RE:
OH, I can SERIOUSLY help you with both of those Baby, don't worry!
And I will be SO F-----G HORNY after I get done SPANKING that FINE ASS of yours for hours, you'll be FULL for a week after you swallow me! And I hear that C-M is an excellent source of protein, as well as other nutrients!!!

So how does a white hot three-plus hour email conversation between two middle-aged philanderers end? With talk of that Obama fellow -- seriously, isn't it time people got sick of him? -- and, of course, more cringe-worthy "tasting" of bodily fluids:

From: John
Date: November 6, 2009 2:06
To: Lisa
Subject: RE:
Thanks! Tell him Hi right back at him when ya see him later!
Hey, can you re-send me that link to the article about Obama, and the one world, NWO? I misplaced the link to that, and hadn't finished reading it yet.
GOD, I can't stop feeling like you're tickling me, and I can't stop TASTING you!!! This is all VERY DISTRACTING!!!

Very distracting, indeed.