1980 was a terrible year, and not just for Playboy
. After all the "free love" in the 60s and the fun-loving glitzy disco fever of the '70s, America had an identity crisis in the decade that gave us "ALF" and "Crocodile Dundee." Almost all of the Playboy covers from the first year of the new era
are embarrassing, shlocky turd bombs -- for God's sake, they managed to make a very hot Bo Derek
look uncomfortable spreading her legs, and you know that can't be normal.
Seriously, though, at least there was one good thing about that year: the very first month. On the cover of the January 1980
issue, Steve Martin shows off two hot bunnies and one very visible package. While this Ann Miller person is quite the sexy gal, she vanished into obscurity. Michelle Drake, meanwhile, has a much more interesting history. You may recall her hotness making that Richard Gere dud "American Gigolo" seem almost entertaining, plus Wikipedia
has an even more interesting tidbit about her tidbits: "She performed in the Singing Playmates musical group and today is part of an all-girl band that performs in karaoke contests."
Remember how back in, say, 1980, all the flight attendants were hot chicks? We miss the days of accepted sexual harassment sometimes, too. (Just kidding, honey, if you're reading this.) For a reminder of what we're missing out on these days while waiting 19 hours on the runway at JFK, we only need to turn to the cover of the May 1980
edition of Playboy, where those flight attendants are referred to as "stewardesses." Even better, the one seen here is wearing some stockings of some sort -- we can't be sure, since we weren't even alive yet when those were in fashion.
Playboy couldn't get enough of sex symbol Bo Derek in the early 1980s. In 1979, she's made the blockbuster comedy "10," which everyone should go out and rent right now -- especially if you're not getting any action tonight. (Hell, the movie even makes you a fan of Brian Dennehy again, for God's sake.) September 1981
marked Derek's third cover appearance since the beginning of the decade There's something about her getting it on with our ancestors in some sort of primitive sexual experiment that -- no, ew
, we don't want to think about Bo having sex with a monkey. We'll just admire her proto-"Return of the Jedi" costume and leave it at that.
Jean Luc Godard said all one ever needed to make a movie was a gun and a girl. Well, all one ever needs to make the perfect Playboy cover is a pair of boots, a trench coat and a girl. And while we despise cigarettes and see smoking as a red flag in a potential partner, we have to admit to secretly being turned on by March 1982
's Barbara Carrera and her oral fixation.
Good Lord, 1983 was one of the worst years in Playboy's history. In one year, the magazine managed to make Kim Basinger look boring, Natassja Kinski look gross, Sybill Danning look like a transvestite and, worst of all, Joan Collins look attractive. They didn't even play off of the obvious puns in the James Bond movie released that year -- I believe it was called "Octopussy." Anyway, there was one bright spot: October 1983
, featuring a full spread of nude redheads, which had been long overdue. Leading the fiery charge was Charlotte Kemp, who was actually the Playmate of the Month in December of '82, but the response had been so overwhelming that Playboy ran the session outtakes for years afterward. Of her fame, she famously told the magazine
15 years later: "My first test shoot, I was scared to death. I was still a virgin so taking off my clothes for the camera was absolutely intimidating, but a little red wine definitely helped."
Pop quiz: What's one situation you see in every form of porn that Playboy never, ever features? Answer: couples. That's right -- name two Playboy covers featuring a man and a woman in the act of boning. There might be loads more to follow, but this is the only one we've seen so far, the May 1984
Rita Jenrette and Phillip Anderson getting frisky -- in that PG-13 kind of way.
We were so distracted by the May issue, we almost missed June 1984
, featuring Playmate of the Year Barbara Edwards on the cover. We have no idea who she is or why she was named the best of '84, but sometimes one can't put erotic appeal into words. In the case of this cover, we measure our enjoyment in drool.
What the hell is future Gene Simmons sex partner/victim Shannon Tweed wearing on the cover of the March 1985
issue? Do we really care, as long as she can come over wearing it, at least in our fantasies? Oh, and back in the mid-'80s, Gene Simmons hadn't yet tainted her with all his groping, so you're free to worship.
Forgive us this one personal choice; 1986 wasn't the best year for Playboy in the '80s, nor did anyone particularly hot or exciting make that year's covers. However, there are certainly people (well, maybe one or two) who find Sally Field particularly hot, especially in the early part of her career before Burt Reynolds ruined her with all his groping. Seriously, her naked ass made "Stay Hungry"
worth putting up with early Arnold Schwarzenegger acting. In March 1986
, she was the perfect combination of cute, teasing, sex appeal and girl-next-door. Hell, we'd marry her even now, just so we could prove to Burt Reynolds that we're the better man.
The May 1987
issue of Playboy created quite a stink, all of it coming from Vanna White's butt. Wait -- that didn't come out right. (Neither did that.) All kidding aside, Playboy broke new ground by featuring a major television star in the buff, basically without her permission. Sure, she'd given her OK several years before when she was a nobody, but that doesn't seem justifiable. Oh wait, did you say she's naked
in these pages? Oh, well, that changes everything.
There it is -- that mole. The most famous mole in the history of the world, until Linda Tripp decided to work for Ken Starr. (Get it? A "mole"? Never mind.) This is the cover that made Cindy Crawford a worldwide sensation in July 1988
, along with the nude pictorial to prove it. As for us, we're still crazy about her after all these years.
We'll forgive Playboy for featuring a too-bookish Candace Bergen and -- gulp -- Latoya Flippin' Jackson on its covers in '89, if only because it made up for it with one seemingly forgettable cover. The October 1989
issue featured a young model named Pamela Anderson. Pammy first appeared here, then went on to become the Playmate of the Month in February 1990, a TV star a few years later, and that naked chick on the swing in the Tommy Lee & Pam family workout video for all time.
See you in the '90s, dweebs.