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Chris Illuminati lives in New Jersey and writes about everything you couldn't care less about. That is his real last name.

Guys have rules. Keep an empty urinal between you and another guy, the man of the house always works the grill, etc.

Those rules are the reason books like "The Maxims of Manhood: 100 Rules Every Man Must Live By" are published and find success. We men need such guidelines to differentiate what we can do from what we should never do.

I've read the book countless times and agree with all 100 of the maxims from "Know how to chug a beer" to "Your dog must be bigger than a toaster." But what if, for one week, I threw the rules out the window? This could be the beginning of a new way of life for men everywhere. I'd be a pioneer and heralded as a trailblazer.

Or I could just end up get my ass kicked. I'm ready for either.

Maxim #72: Never ask another guy how you look
I understand the author's hesitation in asking another man about appearance. Have you seen some of the outfits on men these days? Did they dress in a dark closet with their eyes closed? Would it kill them to add some color? Have I been hanging with too many gay men? I decided to gauge the reaction of different men to that simple, innocent question "How do I look?"

Went to lunch with my dad. Actually, he took me to lunch because he thinks I'm broke and could never afford lunch. It's so touching how he still knows me.

"Ready?"
"Yeah. How do I look?"
"What?"
"Do I look OK?"
"Aren't we going to the diner?"
"Yes, but I want to make sure I look presentable."
"For who? The homeless guy at the counter. Look too nice he may mug you."
"Stop joking. Do I look OK?"

Silence along with an all-too-familiar face that for many years was prelude to a question like "Is this a joke?" or "Are you high?" It was usually one or the other. Attempts at asking male friends how I look end similarly, justifying this rule's existence.

Maxim #36 -- You don't trust this "yoga"
After researching and penning an article about the arguments against yoga, I had myself convinced it wasn't an exercise for the male species. Unfortunately, my research didn't go as far as "take an actual class" because I'm an ignorant bastard. What the hell do men have against yoga?

I took a beginner's class to find out. I should have waited to see if they had a toddler program. I was sweating in the first five minutes but something also kept making me want to nap. I'm not sure if it was the mood lighting or the fact I had my own mat to nap on but I was more than willing to forget all these bending and stretching shenanigans and just take a nice little siesta. When the class finally ended my Underoos were drenched but I wasn't sure if that was the sign of a good workout or the fact I'm incredibly uncoordinated and spent half the class shaking in place attempting the simplest moves.

Yoga seems like an excellent workout. I'll probably never do it again but if I ever need some shuteye after running the treadmill, I know where to snooze. No yoga.

Maxim #51 -- No exclamation points or emoticons
Why not?!! That's ridiculous! :-( It's perfectly acceptable for a man to express his emotion over email or chat with expressive punctuation, accepted abbreviations or those cool hearts and dancing smiley heads. I love those things. It's no big deal. Watch. I bet a friend won't even notice if I use (or overuse) them in a typical chat situation.

Me: HI! :)
Friend: Why so chipper?
Me: How are you today?!? Happy :) or Sad :(
Friend: Uh fine ...
Me: I can't wait for this weekend! I'm LOLing about it right now!
Friend: Who are you?
Me: What's wrong? :(
Friend: You have NEVER used LOLing since I've known you. Why would you start now?
Me: So BFD I'm using it NOW! WTF?
Friend: BFD?
Me: Big Funking Deal!
Friend: Sudden shifts in mood are scary.
Me: Does it bother you?????
Friend: Yes. If this is going to be some alter ego of yours, count me out. You scare me.

Fine. No emotion. At least no emailed emotion.

Maxim #43 -- No baths
This would prove to be the most difficult of tasks. I hate baths. Baths are dirty. The tub bottom, unless freshly scrubbed, is the deposit for all the nastiness washed away after weeks of showers. Running warm water into a tub just loosens the filth so it can participate in free swim with the rest of the germs. Once you scrub yourself clean, where is all the dirty water? You're swimming in it! If baths are so effective why is the first move after a bath to turn on the shower and rinse off?

But, I'm the one that agreed to this so I'm forced to take a bath. If I don't come back tell my wife not to sell my comic books.

The tub is full. I'm naked. I'm standing there. This was all my idea. I hate my ideas.

I didn't check the clock but a strong guess would be that I lasted roughly four minutes. One minute standing in the water. A few seconds dipping my sweet cheeks into the tub like a cruller in a morning cup of Joe. Maybe two minutes of staring at my own naked body sealed the deal. That's enough.

Agreed. No baths.

Maxim #5 -- Keep an empty urinal between you and the next guy.
Why did I choose this of all the Maxims? Excellent question. The answer is I don't think standing next to a complete stranger at a urinal is that big of a deal. The other accepted answer is because I'm a moron.

This experiment did take a while. I had to stand out in front of the men's room and wait to follow another guy in. Finally! I waited a moment and followed him into the restroom. He took the urinal closest to the wall and I settled in right next to him. I felt him look once, look down, then look again.

Nothing happened. Literally, nothing happened. Cursed by the dreaded urinal stage fright which made this encounter all the more awkward. Perhaps that is the reason for the buffer.

He finished his business and left in a hurry. Hell, I would too if someone followed me into the bathroom and peed right next to me. Fine. No more following strangers into bathrooms. That's more a general rule then a Maxim.

Now everyone please stop watching. I can't stand in front of this urinal all day.