Although my mustache is now universally recognized for its beauty and iconic masculinity, there was a period of several weeks of struggling adolescence when it was less than perfect. During this period, some vicious harpies, some of whom I work with and are sitting behind me right now even as I type this, had some unpleasant comments on how I look. Please keep in mind, dear reader, that I'm growing this mustache for charity.

The Most Offensive Things Said to Me Since I Started Growing a 'Stache:

It looks like pubes are growing out of your nose.

That thing is f**king disgusting. I can't even look at your face.

That kind of mustache is rarely seen outside of Bangkok whorehouses that cater to clients with "special requests."

Nice womb-broom.

Your mustache makes you look like a pederast.

Your poor girlfriend is going to start supporting cancer.

Oh my god, please don't rape me.

Oh good, your mustache graduated from pederast to abusive husband.

You look like you only use your bathtub when you're slowly dissolving teenagers in lye.