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What happens when you combine crazed bargain hunters, the busiest shopping day of the year, and $8 Wrangler jeans? Death by trampling, of course. That's why this year we're sitting out Black Friday with a couple of PBRs and the complete first season of "Battlestar Galactica." But if your nephew won't love you without a new Nintendo DS and you have no choice but to go shopping this weekend, here are some tips on the best way to survive a retail stampede (or "crowd crush," as the experts say).

Rule #1 -- Know the Terrain
Any general will tell you that knowing your battlefield is crucial. A big box store on Black Friday is no different. So, as the doors open and the soccer moms pour in, look around. What you're looking for is an absence -- an absence of planning.

"If it seems disorganized, stay away," says crowd-control expert Dr. G. Keith Still. "If there are no line barriers, no security, stay away. If you don't see any signage, information, or hear any P.A. announcements, then the warning signals are clear: poor planning = potentially dangerous."

If you do go inside, know the entrances and exits, just like an airplane ... a 2-million-ton cement airplane that doesn't fly anywhere and won't give you free Clamato juice, either.

Rule #2 -- Know Your Enemies ... uh, Fellow Shoppers
Having a lot of people in one place doesn't necessarily make a mob. The Wal-Mart stampeders were angry and impatient by the time the doors opened. So know the mood of the people around you. What do they expect? What will they do? And what's the number of that hot clerk in housewares?

"An event that is over-marketed and has a competitive nature (like 'First in gets the best bargain') can have serious consequences," says Still. "The crowd will compete for both space and prime location. Everyone wants to be at the front. This creates a focused pressure."

So if it looks like you'll have to run a wedge offense over that other guy to get the last Betsy Wetsy in stock, think again. Maybe your boss's daughter will settle for a Bella "Twilight" doll with some soda water on her dress.

Rule #3 -- Don't Wipe Out
OK, you just had to get that Betsy Wetsy. Now you're in the middle of a crowd of bargain-hunting freaks who could turn mean at any moment. What do you do?

First, check for the classic danger sign: people touching you on all four sides. If they are, it's time to go. Move sideways away from the crowd's focus. (This is easier than trying to push backwards.) Time your move for when the crowd sways and the pressure around you decreases. Keep your arms and legs close to your body to keep from getting entangled, and do your best to stay on your feet. Edge your way out and stay calm; panicking is a sure way to make things worse.

And next time, get it on eBay.