Tween girls and their moms plopped down almost $275 million worldwide this weekend to see what happens when vampires mix it up with werewolves under a "New Moon."

In recent times, this sort of showdown between mythical rivals has been most conspicuous in the slightly more reality-based world of Internet memes, where pirates and ninjas have squared off for years.

But, really, it's never been about who would actually win in a fight; any ninja worth his dagger or throwing stars would dispose of a pirate before he could even bellow a quick, "blimey." Instead, these battles are an exercise in which of the heavily fictionalized lifestyles of these costumed rogues -- Somali pirates excepted -- has more appeal to the overly domesticated desk jockeys of today.

So, yeah, we're mixing geek fantasies with 12-year-old-girl fantasies, which would be a really creepy thing to do if it weren't for the purpose of a giant battle royal of the following aspirational monsters: vampires, pirates, werewolves and ninjas.

Three fun things about being a pirate:
* Using your sword to deftly slide down a sail.
* Plundering for booty without the slightest regard to the consequences.
* Never having to take any guff from a wench.

Why it isn't all it's cracked up to be:
Scurvy. Slapdash prosthetics.

Three fun things about being a vampire:
* Watching all of history unfold.
* Wearing a cape. (Who doesn't look at least twice as good in a cape?)
* Getting to be part of a coven.

Why it isn't all cracked up to be:
With all of eternity to keep yourself entertained, not being able to kill time with activities such as staring at your reflection or eating delicious hummus could really start to chafe at you.

Three fun things about being a ninja:
* Sneaking up on your enemies to assassinate them.
* Sneaking up on your friends to prank them.
* Being on the lookout for other ways to be sneaky.

Why it isn't all that's it's cracked up to be:
Sneaking up is like 90 percent waiting around.

Three fun things about being a werewolf
* Howling
* Piña coladas at Trader Vic's on a perfect-hair day.
* Having a wicked crossover dribble and a best friend who's so groovy he's called Styles.

Why it isn't all that's it's cracked up to be:
Always getting blamed when the neighbor's cat gets gutted; fleas.