For a horrific, toilet-seat-grabbing second, it appeared that the black hole of crap-rap would suck in actually good, actually urban acts:


Fortunately, Russell Simmons sat everyone down for a def mission-statement-review jam, and it was agreed that horrible rapping should be left to the professionals at being awkward, like Bronson Pinchot as "Balki B" and David Faustino:



The clouds parted in the early 1990s, and it was initially thought that the storm of horrible rap had passed, that it was relegated to unfathomably long PSAs for computer nerds which spawned the catch phrase, "Don't copy that floppy!":



But it was only the passive eye of the storm. Deep in the fathoms of the minds of ad execs, horrible rap was festering, waiting for the perfect moment to rule with an evil fist. The latent danger of terrible rhymes was always there, but society chose to turn a blind eye to these warning signs:



In the following clip, the metaphor couldn't be clearer: Awful rapping is directly associated with history's greatest tragedies.



Like war, the scars of bad rap fade with every new generation. So, it's no surprise that horrific rhymes are now being used, yet again, to sell fast food.



So, it has all come around again, with new generations of children being educated that bad rap is not only morally acceptable, but hip. Leading this charge is today's child's equivalent of the sugary breakfast cereal commercial, Miley Cyrus.



Take charge people, adopt a conservative viewpoint toward horrible, crippling raps. Only through awareness can we fight this, the one true enemy.
Evan Hoovler co-wrote the National Lampoon book, Pimp It Yourself. He runs a full-time comedy playground at Comedy.com.