Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.

As pagans commonly do during the Thanksgiving and Simchat Torah holidays, I took several members of the American Mustache Institute administration, as well as four Delaware-based prostitutes, to the U.S. territory of Puerto Rico last week. Our heat-seeking mission was multi-faceted: We wanted to spread the word of the Mustached American movement, facilitate the exchange of workplace practices between Puerto Rican prostitutes and their mainland counterparts and search for potential Caribbean satellite campuses for the Institute.

During an enlightening five days in Puerto Rico, we made many observations about this exotic island (as well as ourselves) -- most of them having little or nothing to do with the stated goals of our voyage:

-- On the first night of the trip, while sitting in a bar, I heard the Survivor anthem "I Can't Hold Back." I couldn't stop singing it for the next 24 hours. It got so bad that I ended up downloading it to my iPhone and listening to it repeatedly for the remainder of the trip.

-- As we had gleaned from many Brooklyn-area mug shots, the mustache is indeed very strong with the people of Puerto Rico.

-- Like the continental U.S., there are midgets in Puerto Rico. (I even offer photographic proof.)

-- The local beer of choice is called Medalla Light. It's mainland equivalent is Coors Light, meaning it is water-like and will not get you anywhere close to drunk unless you plan to drink 28 in one sitting (which I did five times during the trip, including twice in one 24-hour period).

-- Puerto Ricans are a very musical people.

-- If anyone offers you a mofongo, you needn't anticipate a Spanish-inflected take on a Cleveland Steamer or Rusty Trombone. Rather, prepare for a meal of fried plantains, crushed into a mashed potato-like base, with some type of seafood or meat either mixed in or placed on top. It seemed to be as common in Puerto Rico as hamburgers or herpes are in regular America.

-- Despite the ideal setting -- it being a Caribbean island and all -- attractive women are not abundant. Pork products, salt water, palm trees and genital warts, on the other hand, are available in mass quantities.

-- Even though the mighty U.S. has not deigned to offer Puerto Rico statehood, the island isn't without its suitors. In fact, in 1625, the Dutch -- the freaking Dutch! -- unsuccessfully launched an attack. (OK, in all fairness, the Dutch were akin to the U.S. in the 17th century, but that's because America didn't even exist then. And when we did attack Puerto Rico -- more than 250 years later -- we won.)

-- Much like in any actual state in the U.S., animals shamelessly enjoy having sex in public.



For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every Wednesday on Asylum.