What Would Jesus Do? He'd shop, of course. There's a big birthday celebration comin' up! But not just anything off the shelf from Spencer's will do. To make our list of truly God-funked merch, a gift had to either trivialize the faith it celebrates OR just be completely whacked out. See if you can guess which is which:

"Shoes of the Fisherman" Flip-Flops
Shipped to you wrapped in a fisherman's net, these sandals are "great for fund-raising, beach evangelism and mission trips!" The tread on the right sandal says "Jesus," the tread on the left says "Loves You" – so you can leave an evangelizing message in the sand, or grind the name of Jesus into the dirt with every other footstep, depending on how you look at it.

"Jesus Is My Coach" Figurines
Featured on the "Conan O'Brien Show," these figurines remind us that there's no need to lock the bathroom door, for "Jesus is with us in everything we do, watching over us & involved in all of our acts & activities." Your kid doesn't play soccer? No worries, Jesus loves ALL sports. Our personal favorite: the one where the Prince of Peace helps the little tykes learn karate.
"Jesus Loves Me" Doggie T-Shirt
Does Jesus really love dogs? And if he does, is it just Scottish Terriers like Angus here? What about pit bulls?
The "Tales of Glory" Talking Jesus Action Figure
A perennial favorite, but be warned: The "Tales of Glory" Talking Jesus must NOT, under any circumstances, be confused with the "Big Lebowski" Talking Jesus. Otherwise your godly child is going to have a VERY confusing Christmas.
The Blue Q "Looking Good for Jesus" King-Size Tote
Clearly, someone has forgotten 1 Peter 3:3 -- "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment."
Jesus Pencil Toppers Set
Chew on him, erase him, rub him down to a stump and stick a pencil up his butt -- that's what he's there for, the Jesus Eraser Pencil Topper! (Note: Please do not try any of these suggestions on an actual prophet.)
Jesus Adult Costume
If it weren't for the crown of thorns, this could be ANY robed and bearded guy -- Moses, Mohammed, Father Christmas, even J to the C's on-court rival, J to the B. But points for sheer nerve to anyone who wears this get-up. Make sure you use the free included Lightning Rod to protect you from God's wrath as you take imitatio dei one step too far.

A Final Note
You may have noticed that our list is exclusively Christian this year. Believe us, we are equal-opportunity listmakers, and we really want to give a shout out to Jews, Muslims, atheists, Hindus and others. (Especially those Buddhists. So calm and enlightened ... they drive us CRAZY!) But we didn't because, honest to God, the Christians had more goofy stuff this year -- Jews and Muslims didn't even come close. The Muslim merchandise we saw was a thousand different kinds of calligraphy. The Jewish merch was, well, just lame. And all the atheist gifts were autographed copies of "The God Delusion."

Feel free to crowdsource the items we missed.