What would you say to an ex if she didn't know it was you?

"Dear Old Love" is a collection of short, anonymous "letters" that answer this question. From the bitter to the flirtatious and downright bizarre, these punchy and confessional tidbits ("You're the model for all the hot-girl characters in my comics") prove that people rarely move on when it comes to matters of the heart.

"I started Dear Old Love in a spirit of affection and nostalgia, but the submissions probably tip toward bitterness," says Andy Selsberg, the creator of the Web site and book. "I worked to keep the book balanced, and keep nudging the site toward sweetness. It is, after all, called 'Dear Old Love' and not 'Dear Old Scumbag.'"

We chatted with Selsberg about what makes a perfect letter to a former lover (and how many times a month it's OK to masturbate while thinking about your ex.).

Read on for some of the best (and worst) messages, and then let us know what you'd like to say to your ex.

Keep It Simple, Stupid
"My sense is that old loves are best dealt with in funny, glancing wisps. An actual long letter to an ex (or crush object) is almost always a bad idea," Selsberg explains. "That's why the site is anonymous. One Dear Old Love note reads: 'Your underwear is the only thing I remember from eighth-grade Spanish.' That sentiment, expanded to a four-page letter, would freak everybody out. Anything much longer than a text message is too long."

Blast From the Past
How guilty should you feel if you're ruminating about an ex? "Obviously, nursing an obsession for an old flame is unhealthy," Selsberg says. "But it would also be unhealthy to squash all sweet memories or thoughts you have for people you've cared about. It's a delicate balance. Do you want hard numbers? Let's say you shouldn't masturbate while thinking about an ex more than once every six weeks. And you shouldn't be Googling exes more than once a year."

Sweet Revenge
Certain Dear Old Love notes are notable for their sheer insanity. One of Selsberg's over-the-top faves: "Because your father vowed to do everything in his power to break us up, and he did, I enrolled him in NAMBLA and flooded his mailbox with information on adult diapers and hairpiece catalogs."

Hump Day
It's amazing how long an empty relationship can keep running on good, old-fashioned, sweaty sex -- so it's no surprise that many of the messages in Dear Old Love focus on carnal pleasure. The most successful examples are saucy, with a sense of humor: "When I get a hard-on, it points toward Philadelphia. It thinks you're still there." (If your hard-on points to a major American city for more than four hours, please contact a doctor.)

Show Us Your Compliments
Everyone gets nostalgic for their past loves. No matter how things ended, it's a nice gesture to offer a sincere compliment. Case in point: "A glimpse of your boobs is worth a lot more than a string of Mardi Gras beads." Sweet and classy.

The Deranged Poet of Poon
Strive for pure, wacked-out genius: "Inverted nipple canyons and wild, bumpy aerola, like relief maps of Antarctica and Madagascar. I felt like Vasco de Gama. I hope they're appreciated now." This guy's the Walt Whitman of booty poetry. Who would ever break up with someone capable of such inspired erotic riffs?

What short and sweet -- or vicious -- Dear Old Love note would you leave for an ex? Let us know in the comments, and buy the book or visit Selsberg's site for more.