Don't want a hot Mormon moms or naked ambulance drivers calendar this year? Yeah, our mom won't let us either. That's why instead of sexy calendars, we're planning on buying completely bizarre ones for our bedrooms -- of course, we'll still keep the Nerdcore from last year hidden under the bed.

Here's a series of calendars that everyone can enjoy ... if you enjoy the sensation of wanting to burst into tears every time you check the date.

Funnymals Calendar 2010
Yep, that's right, that's a frog-dog featured there in the 2010 Funnymals calendar, and he's joined by his friends eledog and camelbee (we think?) in this frightening journey through a nightmare world of Photoshop mutations.

Good luck getting to sleep with this hanging over your bed.


Don't Drink and Derive 2010 Calendar
Here's one that caused us to do a double-take. Yes, we missed the head-scratching pun the first time we passed this calendar, which warns us that "calculus and alcohol don't mix." Why? The calendar never explains, because that tagline is pretty much the entirety of the content here.

It's definitely the weirdest calendar we've ever come across -- and we saw the 1991 Dan Quayle swimsuit calendar.


Wacky Whiskers 2010 Calendar
The only thing weirder than the 2010 Wacky Whiskers calendar is the human who dressed up all these pets to look like they're going to a Marx Brothers movie premiere, circa 1932.

Why is that dog wearing bifocals? Why would you subject your cat to wire netting?


Naked Clowns 2010 Calendar
Gahh! Kill it, kill it now! Sorry, we were just reacting to the title of the 2010 Naked Clown Calendar, which promised a traumatizing year of photos of scary naked people posing as scary clowns.

Luckily, this edition is done with tongue-in-cheek humor and all profits go to fight multiple sclerosis. Now, if only they could set aside a few bucks to fight off the terrifying phenomenon of clowns.


Weird Mushrooms 2010 Calendar
The idea of having to look on a bunch of strangely shaped mushrooms all year at work is not going to get us out of bed each morning.

But maybe somebody out there really thinks a calendar like this will have co-workers laughing about how charming and silly he is (instead of what a nutcase he really is).



Squirrels 2010 Calendar
After that hysterical, Chippendale's-esque cover, you would think all of the photos in The Squirrel Calendar would be completely ridiculous.

But the producers actually went with 11 more snaps of squirrels doing everyday things like stealing your birdseed, running across your yard and looking terrified at the sight of your rifle. We guess they knew they couldn't top that cover.


Tomato Emotions 2009 Calendar
Oh, boy... we have to recover for a moment after laughing our asses off at the very idea of this thing.

It should be noted, however, that all of these tomatoes are apparently "natural," meaning they weren't doctored or made to look so damn phallic on purpose. (And sure, this is a 2009 calendar, but really, who purchases a calendar like this to remember what day it is?)


Dead Malls 2010 Calendar

There's nothing more depressing in American culture than the mall, with the exception of the dead mall, of course. And finally, here's a completely bizarre calendar of photos of closed-up malls.

Empty hallways, boarded-up stores, and fountains filled with coins that could've gone a long way toward keeping these places in business. Here's the real kicker: they apparently recycled the photos from the 2009 edition, so you won't even be getting anything new this year. Gotta love that.

Want more Weird Calendars? Check out What our British Counterparts Found:
More Weird Calendars
(Asylum UK)