What with the recession, soaring unemployment rates and a seemingly endless "Lost" hiatus, you've had a rough year, Asylumites. Luckily, you still have one thing to live for: the woman in your life. She may be your wife, girlfriend, or The One Who's Tied Up in the Basement, but however you define her, she's unmistakably yours.

So, what to get her this holiday season to let her know you haven't forgotten her while you spent the last few months sobbing into your cocktails? Have no fear: Asylum has compiled a list of gifts ranging from $5 to $899, all of which say something specific as to how you feel about her ... even if what you're saying is "I have no idea what kind of present I should be getting you."

The All-Purpose Gifts for Any Woman You Want to Impress

A Massage Chair
You won't find a woman (or a man or a child) in the world who doesn't get into a massage chair and disappear like the baseball players in "Field of Dreams."

A friend of ours has the Human Touch iJoy and it improved his household's dynamic virtually overnight -- anytime someone started to raise their voice, another family member just nodded toward the massage chair. The angry party sat down, got a robotic rubdown, and forgot all about what they were upset about. It's the equivalent of some futuristic Big Brother-designed drug to keep us all complacent. [$899]

Framed Photo of the Two of You
Got any beautiful photos of the two of you in the Caymans that your wife stares at, sighing and with hand under chin, when she thinks you're not looking? Why not let a higher-end photo place blow it up for you and frame it? It would work in her hallway or even in a smaller form on her desk. Either way, you let her know you're more romantic than you've been letting on. [$75 and up]
Drawing of Her by a Professional Artist
In Jackson Square in New Orleans, artists line up alongside palm readers and tuba players to ply their wares for susceptible tourists and curious locals. In recent years, their portrait prices have plummeted due to the stagnating economy. We were able to get an artist to do a beautiful and captivating 8-by-10 charcoal drawing of our parents for a Christmas present one year for only $50. Imagine what you could talk them down to now ... and that's not even counting the discount if you bring a photo for them to work from. [Varies]

The Gag Gifts, for the Woman Who Is Put Off by Intimacy

Zhu Zhu Pet Hamster
It's this year's Tickle Me Elmo -- that surprisingly popular gift that will cause mass trampling incidents across America and serves no purpose whatsoever. Get your hands on this cheap-o gift and you'll be saying, "OK, I know you said not get you a Christmas present, but this was too hilarious to pass up. Plus, we can sell it for 800 percent profit on eBay." [$10]
"Twilight" Panties
Is your girlfriend on Team Edward? Is she over the age of 6? (She'd better be, since there's a law and all that.) Is she seriously into "Twilight"? If you answered yes to that last question, it may be better just to dump a load of coal in her stocking than actually try for a thoughtful gift.

But you can go the gag route with a girl who actually hates Twilight (marry her now): the Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson panties. [Not for sale, but here are some similar gifts in the $15 range]

Gifts for the Athletic Woman

A Caster Board
This season's most popular gift for the outdoorsy-type is "a two-wheeled, human-propelled vehicle" often mistaken for a tiny skateboard or snowboard but ridden in much the same manner as a surfboard. Got that? Neither do we. Watch a video demonstration on Amazon or a how-to guide at this site before you buy. [$50 and up]

Gifts That Show You Value Her Happiness Over Your Own

"Firefly," "Sex and the City," "Project Runway" or some other DVD set from a show she loves and you can't stand

Look, we never got into any of these shows. (Full disclosure: There is nothing worse than having to watch a food-themed reality show when no one thought to bring home dinner that night.) But she loves it and you want to make her happy, so here you are, reading this entry and thinking about caving in. By getting her the "Top Model" box set, you're saying, "I know I've told you I hated your favorite show, but I'm all about your happiness and here's the proof." She'll get it right away and tell you you're sweet ... and then everybody wins. [$15-65]

Gifts For the Woman Who Volunteers at a Soup Kitchen

Safe Motherhood Kit
If you ever hear your girlfriend complain that you're not really interested in what's been happening in the Sudan, drop the Xbox controller immediately and get someone else a gift. That is, get someone impoverished a gift in her honor, such as this Safe Motherhood Kit, which hooks up poor women in Africa with "plastic sheeting, bar soap and washcloth, sterile gloves, gauze, umbilical tape and a blade." And yes, the blade is for cutting the umbilical cord, in case you were wondering. [$25]
Tea Forte
If you're going that route, throw a tea forte set from St. Jude's Children's Hospital into her stocking, so that she has something to enjoy with you ... while also contributing $5 to the care of these poor kids. [$5]

Gifts for the Tech-Nerd Girl

An iPod Nano
If you order an iPod directly from the Apple Store, you could think up something goofy to say about her and set it in stone with a personalized special-edition Red iPod. Or you could just put her name and number on it so it gets back to her when she leaves it at the gym, but where's the comedy in that? [$149]
The Palm Pixi
Yes, we realize that no one except your great aunt has a Sprint contract these days, but the Palm Pixi may change all that. For one thing, it actually looks like a phone. For another, it's only $100, which is about the maximum anyone should ever pay for something cell phone companies should be giving out for free. If your girlfriend has Sprint, this is the toy to get her. If she has another service provider, she probably already has that ugly-ass iPhone. [$99 with contract]
Bluetooth Wireless Handset
Or what about one of these ridiculous fake receivers that work like a home phone for your Bluetooth device? Those with home offices probably miss the comfort of a landline or desk phone lately. With this, they can get it without losing the benefits of a cell phone. [$80]


Gifts for the Girl You Want to Break Up With ...
Then take the advice of this ridiculous company, which seems to believe women want something as innocuous as a clothesline for a Christmas present.