Alan Wieder is a screenwriter in Los Angeles whose favorite things are rap music, explosives and booze made from fermented chicken feed.
A few weeks back, that cadre of total nerdlingers behind the Webby Awards
issued a list of their Top 10 Internet Moments of the Decade
. The list comprised big, culture-shaping cyber-milestones like the shuttering of Napster and the arrival of the iPhone -- neither of which, it must be said, had any effect whatsoever on this Mac-hating Limewire user.
Reading the piece, I, Alan Wieder
, got to thinking about the incredible impact the World Wide Web has had on my own life -- the immeasurable ways in which the speed, scope and power of the Internet has shaped my everyday experience over the last 10 years. And after much consideration and ruminative chin-stroking, I gathered my very own Top 10 Internet Moments of the Decade.
10. My discovery that childhood bully Donny Slavin is now a big loser (2008)
Facebook has been a generally useless time-suck, save for one thing: It allowed me to learn that the douchey bully who made my life a living hell at Treasure Island Elementary is now fat, bald and works in sales for some tech company in Denver. To Donny, this successful screenwriter with all my hair and only a small cuddly tummy says: How ya like me now?!
9. My 8,497th free cappuccino (2001)
I am old (and lucky) enough to have worked for a few Internet startups during the VC-fueled late '90s, when new-media companies were showering their employees with all manner of undeserved perks. This one company I worked for had no identifiable revenue model whatsoever, but they did have a bitchin' Pasquini espresso machine on which I cranked out 8,497 delicious foam-topped coffees before The Bubble burst and our jobs went poof.
8. 48-Hour Sizzurp bottle acquisition (2009)
A few days before my 35th b-day, I put out a daunting challenge on my party Evite: "Someone bring me a bottle of Sizzurp!" Sizzurp-brand liqueur (not to be confused with the deathly cough-syrup-based homemade Drank) is a bitch to find, but thanks to MK John's Imports
, my lifelong homey and screenwriting partner Steve Sobel was able to buy a bottle of the purple punch on Wednesday and put it in my hand on Friday night. And by Saturday morning, I was able to vomit out almost all of the half-bottle I'd guzzled. E-commerce at its most impressive!
7. First shared porn password (2003)
In '03 a group of buddies and I all chipped in $5 a month for a pass to MikesApartment.com, membership to which also granted us access to ancillary sites in Mike's world like Captain Stabbin' and Team Squirt. What was great about the site was that more than one person could be logged on at the same time with the same password, so we never had to worry about bumping each other off. Come to think of it, though, that probably means that, on multiple occasions, we were simultaneously logged in and poundin' it to the same video, which kinda skeeves me out.
6. Hacking into the Pentagon (2002)
OK, I confess: That much-publicized series of '02 attacks
on our nation's military computer networks was all me, and using the confidential plans I pilfered I was able to build my own F-35 Joint Strike Fighter in advance of the military's rollout of the aircraft in 2006.
5. Juelz Santana joins Twitter (2009)
F**k Ashton. Juelz's Twitter page
is where it BE! Since 'elz joined the Twitterverse I've been able to maintain 24/7 eyes on one of the most talented poets of his generation. To wit, his Dec. 3 tweet: "I See Dead People!! & They 'bout to get BURIED IN MY RAP CEMETERY!"
4. Seeing Fred Durst's penis (2005)
For me, few Internet moments were more formative than my harrowing glimpse of Fred Durst's not-so-limp bizkit in his much-reviled '05 sex tape. The discovery that such a despicable man had a bigger dingus than I did was the inciting incident of a bizarre penis obsession that almost landed me in a looney bin in the Year of the Cock
. Thanks and no thanks, Gawker
3. Roman Wieder learns how to use YouTube (2009)
My 3-year-old son recently learned how to navigate the Web by himself with a touchpad. Which means that when he wakes up at 6 a.m. on Saturday morning, Daddy can now stick him in front of YouTube, search "Thomas the Train," and let him watch videos till his eyes bleed -- as I lay sacked out on the sofa!
2. Passing on my Internet dating profile (2009)
My irresistibly cocky-clever profile paved the way for me to bang the hell out of my otherwise-out-of-my-league girlfriend, which is awesome, but recently I added another milestone. Now a committed man, I donated my retired profile a few weeks ago to a dear friend whose abysmally uncharming page was repelling every chick in Greater L.A. Since using my former profile verbatim, my boy's already gotten a handie and a blowie and improved his scoring ratio 346 percent!
1. This Alan Wieder moves into the number one spot on Google (2009)
A few months ago I finally overtook the esteemed ethnographer, successful New York real estate agent, and Oklahoma City Deputy Fire Chief who all share my name. In fact, I now monopolize the entire first page of returns from an "alan wieder" search. Say my name, bitch-ass-other-Alan Wieders!