Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.

With Santa Claus's birthday on Dec. 25 and reckless consumerism running amok, Mustached Americans and bare-lipped mortals alike are dashing about at a harried pace searching for last-second gifts to give their friends, family and homeless dwarfs.

My present to you this holiday season is a nuclear mustache-ologist's guide to holiday gift-giving. It's perfect for a Mustached American, a bearded or goateed lesser cousin, or one who suffers from Bare Upper Lip Disorder.

I wish you a moderately enjoyable Ramadan and hope that you can fill Santa's traditional birthday uterus with one of the following Mustached American gifts that keep on giving.


-- In 2004, Rhode Island-based photographer Ricky Chapman dreamed up The Mustache Calendar as a means to fund his drug habit.

-- Peter Ibruegger, who loves Asian women with bowl cuts, has created the ultimate mug collection for the coffee 'stache-obsessed. Alternatively, you can always slug back a refreshing beer of your choice with a 'stached pint glass.

-- Tired of being a typical Long Island d-bag with traditional gold necklaces complimenting your skin-tight tank top? The Frisky has a gallery of mustache accessories, like this good-looking necklace.

-- If you're sleepy from consuming too much holiday scotch, this mustache pillow can help you get your Zs.

-- Mustache crayons are a must for the young Mustached American on your list.

-- Feeling inferior to all of the Mustached Americans around you? Check yourself out in this mustache self-portrait mirror. It will increase your confidence by 39 percent.

-- Don't forget your furry best friend -- even dogs love mustaches.

-- Have a large booger or corn flake in your lip sweater? Mustache combs are a useful tool.

-- And finally, the American Mustache Institute is always there to provide you with high-quality shirts and other apparel, which come adorned with witty repartee like "Dave Navarro is Worthless."

You're welcome.

For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every Wednesday on Asylum.