Do your kids view Santa Claus as the holiest of all the saints, the man who brings peace and joy to the universe, the one human being who represents Christmas better than any human on Earth? Do you want to put a stop to all that? All you need is this iPhone app.

"Santa Message 2 U," created by a Utah mother, allows parents to record their own message as if they are Santa and the app alters the voice to make it sound as though Santa has actually called them.

Sounds cute, right? The only problem is the voice-altering app is based on the "Dark Lord" app, an iPhone program that alters voices to sound like the dark tall glass of evil that is Darth Vader. So the voice of Santa sounds like one of those voice-altering programs that kidnappers use on the phone so police can't identify them as they give them ransom instructions.

Just for fun, download the app and click through to see some of our suggestions for phrases to play for your kids.

-- "Hey kids, you know that song, 'He sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake?' That's not an exaggeration. I've got the Tooth Fairy on my payroll."

-- "Don't worry, little one. I can get in your house even if you don't have a chimney. Santa has special-ops training. He can kill you in your sleep with nothing but a candy cane and the will to do it."

-- "I wanna put my holiday cheer inside you!"

-- "You know there's Santa Claus, right? This is just a recording your mommy and daddy put together to help you feel better about Christmas. That means when you aren't around, they talk like demons! So be good!"