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Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.

I normally play nice with my teammates. I normally do. However, today I do not.

The privilege of writing for Asylum affords me the opportunity to deliver the Mustached American message to a broader community. Thus, with all this goodwill built up between this blog and myself, it's difficult for me to write the following: Asylum trend investigator Ryan McKee must go; this is no place for his discriminatory agenda.

McKee, whose formal training, according to Popular Crippled Midget Monthly, is in douchebaggery, recently published a piece for another men's blog, AskMen.com, called "Moustaches: 5 Things You Didn't Know." The piece begins:

Today, only ironic hipsters and women who have given up wear moustaches. The lip hair has become a laughable fashion statement. However, the Brillo Pad lip has a long and storied past dating back to prehistoric times. There are still groups who celebrate the moustache without irony ... While most men are too busy mocking the moustaches, AskMen.com has been busy collecting fascinating trivia facts about them.

Obviously, given my position as CEO of the American Mustache Institute, I feel compelled to rebut Mr. McKee's trite "observations" ...

-- It is, well, ironic, that an ironic hipster douchebag such as Ryan McKee would suggest that only "ironic hipsters" are wearing mustaches.

-- It's fascinating that McKee claims to know that "women who have given up" are also wearing mustaches. I have on good authority that his only contact with females comes when his stepmother tucks him into bed in the double-wide trailer they share in rural New Jersey.

-- "... [L]ip hair has become a laughable fashion statement," McKee claims. I guess they have, provided you're a douchebag ironic hipster who has little else to do than attend Northwest Jersey Chess Club meetings and masturbate to 17-year-old, faded Carol Alt posters from the cramped confines of the aforementioned double-wide trailer in rural Jersey.

-- Only communists and equine prostate examiners spell mustache in the Olde English manner of "moustache."

-- There are, as McKee writes, still groups that "celebrate without irony" the labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater"). These are not fringe societies, but rather proud organizations, like the American Mustache Institute, Movember, Beard Team USA, as well as hundreds of blogs, including Asylum, USA Today's PopCandy, JoeSportsFan, HallOfVeryGood and TheCheapPop. Furthermore, documentaries, like the "Glorius (sic) Mustache Challenge," and books, like our friend Jon Chattman's "Sweet 'Stache," devote themselves to the sexually adventuresome Mustached American lifestyle.

-- Asylum Associate Editor Emily McCombs, who has lovely, bountiful bosoms, is an advocate for sex with Mustached Americans.

McKee would simply not be able to grasp the many benefits to the Mustached American lifestyle, especially as he is a newly sworn enemy of the flavor-saving republic.

So, Ryan, we suggest that when you next attempt to write on topics about which you know next to nothing -- because you possess neither the good looks, moral fortitude, virility, nor physical capability to comprehend them -- please, take a pass. Instead, stick with things you know, like collecting Muppets figurines, LARP-ing with other nerds at 3 a.m., masturbating to comic books, fixing drain pipes in your stepmom's aforementioned double-wide and, of course, playing chess.

For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every Wednesday on Asylum.