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Brett Smiley is an Asylum blogger and anti-fitness activist.

This is the time of year when everybody starts making resolutions to "get healthy" and "lose weight." But what about those of us who are not interested in dieting and too lazy to exercise?

The reality is that most people are destined only to have the kind of six-pack that you can purchase at a liquor store. So why not forget about the benefits of a healthy diet and exercise and embrace the value of self-deception?

Whether a short-term remedy to self-consciousness or a long-term commitment
to mediocrity, here are some techniques to disguise the flubber that would make
David Copperfield proud and Richard Simmons cringe.

7. Find a brand of pants with waist sizes that run big.
When I reached the saddening pinnacle of my own weight gain, I still managed to fit into size 34 jeans from Aeropostale while I was snug in size 36 jeans from just about everywhere else. Everyone has a different shape and a favorite pair of jeans, so check the sizes and find the brands that fit the bill. Or just throw in the towel and invest in pants with elastic waists and begin clogging your arteries immediately.

6. Have a loved one assure you that you look just fine
Even if they're obviously lying. When I ballooned in size during the winter last year, my girlfriend assured me each time I asked that I looked OK. I don't know if she was lying -- probably, because I looked like a 5-foot-7-inch marshmallow -- but it was good enough for me. And then my brother returned home from a seven-month tour in Iraq and told me in the airport that I looked fat. Prick.

5 Do not weigh yourself ...
... under any circumstances. Just throw away the scale. If you have a doctor's appointment and they try to put you on the scale, resist! If it's unavoidable, weigh yourself early in the morning when you are at you're lightest (before breakfast but after the morning pee).

4. Make friends with heavy people
This is a trick that insecure women have been pulling all along. By keeping heavy friends nearby, they make themselves look slimmer in comparison. So your lovable but slovenly friend that doesn't like to go out? Get him on the horn, now.

3. Do not look at yourself in the mirror
Or at least do it as infrequently as possible. There lots of ways to avoid the looking glass, such as closing your eyes or shaving in the shower. The adventurous folks out there can invest in slimming mirrors. Or go the other way and just destroy all the mirrors in your home.

2. Become photogenic
Between Facebook, Myspace and Bebo, pictures of you are likely to end up on various social media Web sites whether you like it or not. Of course there are ways to untag a photo or otherwise conceal your plentiful-ness, but why not avoid the dissemination of embarrassing pictures in the Facebook community altogether. Follow these simple rules:

a) In order to make your jaw line look good in pictures -- and present a slimmer appearance -- stick your tongue to the roof of your mouth. It will make your face look firmer and possibly diminish the appearance of a second chin (or God help you, a third). It's easy, and no, it isn't obvious if someone is doing this in a photo.

b) If you must pose for a photo or know that someone is taking a picture of you, stand at an angle. DO NOT face the camera straight on. You will naturally appear narrower at an angle.

1. Do not wear vertical stripes
Apparently vertical stripes don't elongate your figure after all, at least according to this group of wacky researchers. The researchers from the psychology department at the University of York say that just the opposite is true. So to summarize: Nobody knows anything. Just wear solid-colored clothing.

That said, if you are serious about losing weight, begin by checking out this dieting and fitness information. But until then, go put on some sweats and dig in to a 1,200-calorie pint of ice cream. Got any other techniques? Let us know.