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Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.

It is a new year. And as we all do at the dawn of a fresh 365 days, we resolve ourselves to excel in areas in which we previously failed, develop even greater levels of mustache-driven good looks and attempt to tone down our hatred of persons, places and things.

We cannot, however, turn the corner on some objects of our disdain, such as Dave Navarro or the nonsensical douchebaggery of Asylum Trend Investigator Ryan McKee. So, as the chief executive officer of the world's only facial hair advocacy organization, I believe it is time to reexamine our longstanding position on beards.

As American Mustache Institute loyalists, former U.N. Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali and Vice magazine co-founder Gavin McInnes, have come to understand, in the past, AMI has dismissed beards as a "spousal compromise." Our position has been that they are the halfway meeting point between the utter weakness of being clean-shaven and the sheer, unbridled power of the Mustached American.

After extended ruminations and deep discussions with members of the U.S. beard community (and former Speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich), I am amending our stance. I now regard the beard as a signifier of a level of facial-hair commitment, strength and power equal to that of the sexually adventuresome, Mustached American lifestyle. (I still, however, consider the goatee to be the confluence of pathetic weakness and nuanced hipster metrosexuality; I simply refuse to believe one's spouse, girlfriend or life partner cannot deal with the vast awesomeness of the mustache, but finds a goatee acceptable.)

As a symbol of my commitment to this new viewpoint and my willingness to extend an olive branch to the beard community, I have grown a beard so that, for the time being, I can live as a Bearded American and understand its lifestyle, concerns, challenges and flavor savability.

I sincerely hope that my bearded brethren will work with the American Mustache Institute in building a "big tent" for peoples with facial hair worldwide and in forging a stronger hatred of Ryan McKee.


For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every Wednesday on Asylum.