Jan 6th 2010 By Ian Fortey
Getting rid of bodies is tough work. It seems like fun and games when you're playing Clue with Grandma, but you never have to drag her down to the cellar afterward and jam her behind the water heater until she starts stinking up the joint. Luckily for us, movies are there to give some insight into the variety of ways we can dispose of all that excess humanity when we no longer need it.
Body Disposal Can Be Fun
-- OK, so you have this 200 lbs. of random dude and it's just laying there like a sack of slowly decaying meat, and that's kind of depressing if you stop to think about it. In order to make the best of an already unpleasant situation, you need to entertain yourself while sticking to the business at hand. Yes, you need to get rid of it, but does it need to be all stuffy and boring? Heck no. This isn't your grandpa's body disposal, this is 2009. Toss it in a wood chipper.
The thrill of a wood chipper, or really any mulching tool, is that it makes the job manageable while at the same time providing a bit of a gay pride atmosphere. It really is raining men. That song is kind of catchy, admit it.
Bodies Are Tasty
-- While the initial instinct might be to panic and bury someone in the rose garden, time and again film teaches us that people are delicious. Whether you plan to grind them into sausage, enjoy their internal organs with a side of fava beans or even if you're just a British mobster with farm full of underfed pigs, that body can be eaten just as easily as it can be put in a dumpster.
Bodies Can Be the Life of the Party
-- Serious dramas will try to convince you bodies are downers. And honestly, life has a tendency to reflect this as well, which is why few people ever bust out the Wii at a wake. But visionary filmmakers can see past the doom and gloom of a corpse and make it something exciting.
Do you have a friend? Do you have access to some fishing line or other props to help you string up a corpse? Does your corpse have sunglasses? Then you can enjoy an entire weekend of fun at your corpse's beach house, and carry it over into a sequel if you so choose. Just make sure to prop him up and have him wave at friends and neighbors at appropriate times and you're golden.
Bodies Are Useful
-- Like those primate dudes in "2001: A Space Odyssey" who discover the use of tools to bash one another silly, you too once had the wonder of discovering all the things you could do with your body parts over the years. Need a bottle open? That's what teeth are for. Need to crush some ice? Try your fists. Need an ironing board? That's why we have laps. This industrious nature of mankind doesn't stop with death, however.
If you're in the construction business and perhaps spend too much time with guys like Tony Soprano you've likely suffered trying to manage with the costs of materials during the recession. Lucky for you cement foundations can be supplemented with the addition of errant bodies in a pinch. Alternately, the leftover pieces of someone who used to be your friend can be gathered up and stuck into a robot to create the future of law enforcement, or hands and eyes can be saved for quick access to handprint/retinal-scan-secured facilities. Really, the sky's the limit when it comes to using at least part of someone for your own benefit.
Bodies are Fashionable
-- Human beauty is something that has been appreciated for centuries and is a cornerstone of art. Think of Michelangelo's David -- it's just the human form in all its glory. So why not celebrate that by using your body to make yourself more beautiful? All you need is a sewing machine. Oh, and a pit in the basement in which to house the body beforehand. Note: This video is NSFW.
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What could go wrong?