Here they are, folks: the 50 sexiest things we discovered on the Internet this year. If it's not on this list, it's as if it didn't happen, like the time we scored with the three-nippled hooker backstage at Peepshow in Vegas and didn't have to pay. (Actually, that didn't happen in Vegas and she had two nipples, wasn't a hooker, and may have been a story we stole from Jim Jackson in eighth grade.)
Seriously, feel free to disagree with our pretty arbitrary rankings, but you'll have to admit it's an exhaustive compendium, whatever the order.
50. Superhero Lingerie at Agent Provocateur
Even if the agents of brilliance at Agent Provocateur
were presenting their New World Order
line as something more subtle, we'd still call these hot outfits "Superhero Lingerie."
Seriously, we want to see a superhero series spring up starring "The Bullet," "Elmira" and "Nymphette," or whoever these sex bombs are. It can be like the "Transformers" movies -- terribly acted, plotless, witless and pointless, but as long as they have someone halfway hot wearing these costumes, we'll pay the $18 cover charge.
49. Serena Williams Naked on the Cover of ESPN Magazine
48. Suicide Girls at Comic-Con
Serena Williams didn't have the best year of her life. Although she's currently ranked number one, she was recently fined $82,500 for allegedly threatening the life of a line judge at the U.S. Open. She was also accosted by a streaker in the middle of a match, but she may have enjoyed that
Thankfully, she didn't go all Tiger Woods on us because of this and go into hiding. Instead, she posed nude for the cover of ESPN magazine
, alongside some other notable but less attractive athletes. A friend of ours complained that there was no naked "backside" on the cover, but if we really wanted to see that, we'd just watch Williams serve in slow motion, which usually works.
Basically, all the Suicide Girls
(or any girl with remotely attractive features) has to do to turn heads at Comic Con is to take off the parka or not be hooked up to a feeding tube, and even then, we'd probably be down with them.
The Suicide Girls have an unfair advantage over the normal dorky females rocking around, namely because they know how to be hot and sexy even without wearing high-heeled boots or having a joystick fetish.
47. Peepshow in Vegas
Las Vegas really gets creative in recessions. In the 1970s, the Mafia gave everyone free money to gamble with and Ann-Margaret fornicated with Elvis live on stage. In 2009 the producers of the self-proclaimed "sexiest new show on the planet," "Peepshow
," hired Holly Madison and random beautiful women to dump milk over their chests and prance around before an audience shelling out $125 a head. You were right, Horatio Alger, there really is such a thing as the American Dream.
46. The "Save the Boobs" Campaign
Won't someone please think of the boobs?! Luckily, the makers of this breast cancer awareness PSA
thought of the boobs that disappear every year and, in all seriousness, they're doing a heroic thing. Learn more about the cause at this link
45. Mormon Moms Make Moist Muffins
Are Mormons sexy? (Better question: would we ever admit it?) Either way, this banging-hot wall calendar
features (alleged) Mormon females tonguing freshly-baked muffins. Their mouths must burn like their souls will one day in the seventh circle of hell -- if the church is to be believed.
44. Coleslaw Wrestling
This makes us horny ... hungry ... horny ... hungry! We were so confused by the new redneck fetish for coleslaw wrestling. At least Jell-O is tasty -- we can't imagine anyone wanting to eat coleslaw off a trashy chick wearing last season's least-popular bikini line, but then again, we enjoyed watching
these nutjobs tearing each other limb from limb. More of this up north, please.
42. January Jones in GQ
43. Naked NYU Protesters
This isn't the first time NYU students protesting their school have taken their clothes off but it's certainly the most appreciated. Two "feminist ninjas" took their tops off and drove the media wild as part of February's 40-hour protest about ... something. Like every protest at evil New York University, this one ended in mass arrests, accusations of police brutality, and a great story for our site, complete with SFW photos
Alongside Elisabeth Moss and Christina Hendricks, January Jones is part of the sexiest threesome in television history. (Now, if only they could actually arrange for a menage a trois
on the AMC-run show.) With her incredible and controversial
cleavage on the cover of the November GQ, Mrs. Don Draper made a case for being the hottest one on the show, which is no easy feat.
(On a similar note, re: Heidi Klum -- the reality show hostess was supposed to have been washed up, buried to a corner of page 27 of the occasional People magazine by now. Yet here she is, frolicking in the buff for those pervy weinerschnitzels at GQ Germany, and we ain't complainin', not by a damn sight. Go figure.
41. Science Says Geeks Are Better Lays
As we reported on back in May, those who work in the tech sector are less selfish in bed
, according to a U.K. study. This was based on the fact that four out of five techies agreed that sex should be more about "the partner." Wait, we're supposed to care about how the other person is enjoying the sex?