One hour to go before my ride with the first ever "Dallas No Pants DART Ride" crusaders and my stomach has turned itself into a giant, meaty monkey fist.

After all, this is the first time anyone in Dallas has voluntarily tried to ride the local DART (Dallas Area Rapid Transit) light rail without the aid and comfort of their pants. It might happen all the time up in New York City, but this is Texas, where pants, morals and decency are a way of life and the basis of all criminal and civil law.

I spent a full half-hour at the local Super Target buying and weighing my new boxer options for the trip. The requirements: must be below the middle of the thigh when sitting down, must not draw attention, must have a buttoned front flap. The last is a must.

Thanks to a ton of local media coverage and social networking, a good crowd of 80 to 100 people met at the fountain outside of Union Station, DART's downtown hub. We've also attracted the attention of the DART police force, some of whom are waiting to meet us at the platform.

One officer who repeatedly asked not to be identified or photographed exclaimed that anyone caught removing their pants on the train will be charged with "disorderly conduct" and fined and/or jailed. Most of the participants seem unafraid.

We hop on the train and take our seats. The mood is distinctly quiet, but after a stop, the pants start coming off. The ladies have chosen a rather tasteful mixture of colorful lace and white bloomers (see page 42 of the 2008 Victoria's Secret catalog).

I'm still arguing with myself and my pants are still in the upright and on position. If I don't join in, I could be missing out on a huge first -- not just in Dallas, but in my life. And if I do, my sheer white pastiness could blind every passenger in a 10-mile radius, and that could bump up my charge from disorderly conduct to aggravated assault.

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NYC No Pants Subway Ride 2010

Over 3,000 participants gathered in 28 degree weather throughout NYC for the 9th Annual No Pants Subway Ride.

Jim Kiernan, Asylum.com

Over 3,000 participants gathered in 28 degree weather throughout NYC for the 9th Annual No Pants Subway Ride.

Jim Kiernan, Asylum.com

Over 3,000 participants gathered in 28 degree weather throughout NYC for the 9th Annual No Pants Subway Ride.

Jim Kiernan, Asylum.com

Over 3,000 participants gathered in 28 degree weather throughout NYC for the 9th Annual No Pants Subway Ride.

Jim Kiernan, Asylum.com

Over 3,000 participants gathered in 28 degree weather throughout NYC for the 9th Annual No Pants Subway Ride.

Jim Kiernan, Asylum.com

Over 3,000 participants gathered in 28 degree weather throughout NYC for the 9th Annual No Pants Subway Ride.

Jim Kiernan, Asylum.com

Over 3,000 participants gathered in 28 degree weather throughout NYC for the 9th Annual No Pants Subway Ride.

Jim Kiernan, Asylum.com

Over 3,000 participants gathered in 28 degree weather throughout NYC for the 9th Annual No Pants Subway Ride.

Jim Kiernan, Asylum.com

Over 3,000 participants gathered in 28 degree weather throughout NYC for the 9th Annual No Pants Subway Ride.

Jim Kiernan, Asylum.com

Over 3,000 participants gathered in 28 degree weather throughout NYC for the 9th Annual No Pants Subway Ride.

Jim Kiernan, Asylum.com


I make my momentous decision: The pants are coming off. I plop down in the seat, undo the attachments and attempt to pull them over my tennis shoes. Suddenly, my status in the crowd has changed from nervous schitzo to nervous equal. I venture from car to car in search of fellow pantsless patrons, and we make fun of the Barney Fife at the station who warned us against any shenanigans. I compliment both men and women on their choice of unmentionables and don't get slapped with a hand, fist or some kind of less lethal device.

Everyone suits back up when we land at the station and despite the fact that most of us were total strangers at the start of the trip, we're talking to each other as if we drove up in the same car.

Another lesson learned: To overcome extreme shyness, simply remove your pants. Actual results may vary.