It only took a few millennia, but might angels finally become cool?

In theaters next week is "Legion," an apocalyptic fantasy film in which Paul Bettany plays a fallen angel attempting to thwart hordes of God's wrathful minions. And then there's "Mercury Falls," a comic fantasy novel written by Robert Kroese, about a sarcastic angel who cares just enough to save mankind from the apocalypse.

Still, most pop-culture angels from recent memory -- such as Michael Landon in "Highway to Heaven" and John Travolta in "Michael" -- have been as annoying as hell.

To cleanse our palates, we asked Kroese, a 39-year-old Bay Area computer programmer, to give us his list of the lamest angels of all time (which appears, with his irreverent comments, on the next page). And no, one of them isn't Kate Jackson from "Charlie's Angels," pictured above. "She's freaking adorable," says Kroese.

Tess (Della Reese) in "Touched by an Angel"
If heaven is populated by overweight, mannish angels who dispense homilies that manage to be simultaneously trite and nonsensical ("You don't hit bottom ... you hit God"), count me out.
Angel From the X-Men
What can you say about Warren Worthington III, aka Angel, aka Archangel? First of all, there are his superpowers -- er, power. He has just the one: He can fly, which puts him just below Tinkerbell as a formidable superhero.

Then there's his origin: As a teenager, he mysteriously developed wings that allow him to fly. Top it all of with a truly imaginative name (seriously, was Stan Lee sick that day?), and you've got all the ingredients for a completely forgettable character.
Roger (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) in "Angels in the Outfield"
You knew this treacly 1994 Disney tale had to make it onto this list somehow. The tough part is picking which character best represents the movie's uneasy mix of cynical spirituality, juvenile humor and calculated exploitation of personal tragedy. Surely Tony Danza has been beaten up enough, so I'll just go with Joseph Gordon-Levitt's 11-year-old Roger, the superfan who comes up with that annoying flapping cheer.
Criss Angel
There's a name for people who do magic on TV that can't be replicated in real life. They're called effects guys.

If I wanted to see two hours of pointless visual effects broken up by annoying banter and lame attempts at drama, I'd pop "The Phantom Menace" into the DVD player.
Nicolas Cage in "City of Angels"
Cage plays an angel of death who starts to have second thoughts about his job when he meets cute-as-a-button surgeon Meg Ryan. Contemplating giving up his immortality, he gushes, "I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it." Besides being unforgivably cheesy, the sentence doesn't even make grammatical sense. Would he settle for two out of three?
Brooke Hogan
Brooke Hogan earns her a spot on this list with the cover of her second album (yes, she's had two), featuring an airbrushed picture that seems to have been lifted from the side of a conversion van of a mentally unstable stalker. Call me crazy, but I prefer chubby Brooke over a cross-eyed, anorexic rendition of Brooke that looks like it was painted by Napoleon Dynamite during his Xanadu phase.
Precious Moments angels
If angels do exist, let's pray that they aren't freakish, giant-headed toddlers with huge, tear-drop-shaped eyes and vestigial, bird-like wings. These cultish figurines are sold as "inspirational gifts," but it's unclear what they're supposed to inspire us to do, other than puke.

Want to read a hilarious novel about an angel that kicks all of these angels' asses? Then order "Mercury Falls" through Amazon or through Robert Kroese's Web site.