Ryan McKee is an Asylum contributor who only watches girl-on-girl porn because he hates hearing male sex noises.

I am not a professional sex-toy reviewer. In fact, my personal experience is limited to a pair of vibrating nipple clamps I bought in Amsterdam as a joke gift for my college girlfriend.

When drunk, I would put them on and run through the house entertaining and horrifying party guests, but those were the only times the clamps left the box. I share this not to undermine my credibility.

Since Asylum isn't known for its sex toy reviews, I'm guessing many readers are in a similarly inexperienced boat (minus the vibrating nipple clamps). So if you classify yourself as more a Jon Cryer than Charlie Sheen in the bedroom, these reviews are for you, Duckie.

The toys are ranked on a five finger scale: 5 fingers being perfect and 1 finger being the equivalent of using your own dry-chapped palm.

Fleshlight Ice ($70)
Fleshlight is the best-selling male sex toy in the world and a good one to start with since it's straightforward. There is a hole modeled on lady parts and after some water-based lube, you know exactly what to do. After the discomfort of my pride eased, I must say this felt surprisingly real. The SuperSkin material does a good job of fooling your junk into believing it's found a quiet sorority girl with clear skin. My only complaint is why do I have to see Mr. Wendal going to town? I would opt for the flesh colored option, or even the ones molded from actual porn stars' vulvas: Eva Angelina, Jenna Haze, Tera Patrick.

Feel: 5 fingers
Cleanup: 2 fingers
Convenience: 2 fingers. (The bulky, anatomical toy is not something you want a date seeing in your closet.)
Tenga Eggs ($12)
Masanobu Sato, winner at last year's Masturbate-a-thon for "longest time spent masturbating," attributes his success to this product. I couldn't agree more. Despite the childhood Easter memories it triggered, it's the best product I tested. My girlfriend is even jealous of it. Inside the egg is a "masturbation sleeve" made of similar material as the Fleshlight. You stretch it over your stuff like you would a gym sock, but this gym sock has small ridges inside that feel amazing.

5 fingers
Cleanup: 4 fingers
Convenience: 5 fingers

Tenga Flip ($105)
This product claims to be "Japanese-engineered for sensory overload, via strategically-placed, sumptuously textured pockets of sensation." Confused on how to work the Flip, even though I read the directions, I saved it for last. When I finally did work up to it ... nothing. I tried for a good 40 minutes, but I didn't even get close to climaxing. Maybe it's just too much for me, like giving a 16-year-old a Ferrari. Ultimately, it left me confused, frustrated and unfulfilled. Now I know how my college girlfriends felt.

1 finger
Cleanup: 5 fingers
Convenience: 2 fingers

We-Vibe II ($99)
This is the only product that I had to use with a partner. The first thing I learned about presenting a sex toy to a woman is this: Don't say, "It's kind of like a clamp." This C-shaped vibrator rests on her clit and G-spot during sex. I became very excited by this prospect since it meant less work for me. However, when actually using it, the thing just felt like an instrument the gynecologist had forgotten to pull out. It only furthers my suspicions that the G-spot is something porn stars made up to make us feel even more inadequate.

1 finger
Convenience: 4 fingers (if the woman likes it)

For these products and more, head to: Babeland.