Jan 26th 2010 By Jeremy Taylor
Sickly cult leader Steve Jobs has apparently called his much anticipated tablet device "the most important thing I've ever done."
Strong words from a man whose iPod completely revolutionized the way we
listen to music.
All the latest buzz suggests Jobs will unveil the iTablet/iSlate/iPad/Palette
tomorrow at a 10 a.m. (PST) press conference. However, at this point talk of an impending announcement is just the latest in a long line of breathless innuendo surrounding the still-mythical creation.
We've compiled a list of some our favorite "legitimate" Apple tablet rumors, and also thrown in a few rumors that we just made up. Read on to see if you can tell the difference.
-- The new Apple tablet will save the old media.
The iSlate will have a large enough screen to properly display newspapers and magazines, thus providing the print dinosaurs with a much needed new revenue stream
-- The iPad will cost $1,000.
Wow, that would be a lot of cash
even for an Apple-flavored Kool-Aid drinker to throw down for what is now perceived as a glorified PDA.
-- It could completely alter your belief system. Biological theorist and renowned atheist Richard Dawkins
was shown an early version of the device. He was so impressed that he's quietly been telling friends he now believes God exists.
-- It will revolutionize textbooks.
Instead of having to lug around a massive Econ 101 book, the relevant material will be just an iSlate click away.
This is terrible news for college students who finance their drinking by selling the books their parents bought them back to the bookstore at the end of the semester.
-- It will be just like an iPhone on steroids.
So, no matter how well it does
, its Hall of Fame credentials will be in doubt.
-- The Palette is being targeted as a gaming device.
Now you'll get to see people make embarrassing video game faces
on public transportation.
-- It will run on flatulence.
In an effort to go green, the new iTablet will have an adapter which harnesses the typical Taco Bell fart
into two hours of battery life.
-- It will include a camera with facial recognition capabilities.
OK, but how does that
help me with my sexting?
-- The iTablet will be our new president.
After tomorrow's triumphant introduction of the device, President Obama will have no choice but to use his State of the Union address
to abdicate his position and cede all power to the game-changing technological advance.