5. DENVER


Overview: The origin of the Balloon Boy madness keeps the news coming.

Crime: A University of Northern Colorado drama professor set up a video camera to catch students peeing. The next drama the pervert will find is in a courtroom.

4. PHILADELPHIA


Overview: Philadelphia covers the highest number of accidents among the reporting cities, though none of them explain why the Eagles signed Michael Vick.

Crime: Someone throws a baby from a car. The baby is supposed to be fine, but someday awkwardness will ensue when the baby grows into an adolescent and someone jokes, "You must have been dropped on your head as a baby."

3. MIAMI


Overview: Bad weather is big here, but Miami residents aren't nearly as terrified as Atlantans. Miami uses a more potent formula to frighten its viewers: the English language.

Economic: One Miami station has a secret weapon to terrify its viewers about the economy: alliteration. Here are some of the title graphics for the stories -- "Rough Recovery," "Foreclosure Fallout" and "Sales Scare."

And then the news team promoted their cold weather mobilization strategy, the "4 P's": "Protect people, pets, property, plants." I just don't know if I trust anyone relying on a mnemonic device to protect me in a catastrophic situation.

2. LOS ANGELES


Overview: Government, crime and Bob Barker's whaling expedition dominate the news in L.A.

Health Advisory: "What's the saying? A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down ... Tonight a new study says don't use a spoonful at all!" says one reporter. According to the station, spoon sizes have been deceiving people for years. Finally, there's a study exposing the truth.

1. BOSTON


Overview: Boston serves its news cold with a hot plate of crime.

Crime: An 81-year-old man named Max was kidnapped and forced to drive to a bank by the kidnapper, who then robbed the bank. The man is OK, but a reporter remains concerned: "One thing I want to comment on is the recovery of the money. Supposedly there was a $1 bill left in Max's car, but they are unable to find it." It's probably in the same place as those Creedence tapes.

So there it is, folks. Based on local evening news, it's probably not safe to go outside, unless there's a dog around to save you.