American Apparel is not known for throwing its money into the fireplace.

Over the years, owner Dov Charney has fought off numerous sexual harassment lawsuits and insisted the company's insurer fight a lawsuit by Woody Allen (who sued them for using his image). Yet according to Wikipedia, AA boasts of paying a living wage and not outsourcing its manufacturing.

Still, we would've thought their contest to find the best bottom in the world would pay better than $300 in American Apparel merch and a contract, which stipulates the winner is only "eligible to be our next butt model." (Emphasis added.)

But we can still salvage this contest in the most juvenile way possible: by ignoring the rules, the prizes and even the text, and making up our own descriptions of these fabulous asses. Keep reading to see our favorite fannies.

By the way: We should add that these are all pretty much skinny, white hipsters posting their own Faye Reagan–inspired backsides. And by "pretty much," we mean we couldn't find any non-Caucasian, non-hipster, non-skinny ones in the top 120 submissions. These were our favorites:

Tink from Toldo: Tink descibes herself as a "little lady with a nice little booty." At least one commenter on the AA site thought she was seriously underselling herself: "I know a man can't marry a man in all states, and a man can't marry a dog ... but can a man marry an ass? Is there a law against that? I've got the ring and I'm ready to propose."

Shauna from Montreal proves not all Canucks keep their butts covered up in parkas. Commenter Leo Minster had the most memorable reaction: "You could bounce mash potato off that!" We do wish she'd clean up that mess on her floor, though. Sheesh.

Rita from Los Angeles: Here, we have a bit of cheating going on. Clearly, Rita is pulling on her upper thighs to give the bottom a more shapely appearance. Honestly, though, who would complain about this butt and the accompanying outfit? Certainly not this commenter: "This girl's got a nice four-day weekend."

Mira from Chicago is another humble type, describing her snapshot as a "terrible photo of me bum in the sheer jersey ... t-back thong." Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn if you took this picture on a pinhole camera and emailed it yourself using a Motorola car phone from 1995. We barely registered your excuse; our eyes weren't really focused on the words.