If the thought of waxy Russell Stover chocolate, red roses and sappy greeting cards is enough to prompt your jump from the nearest neighborhood high-rise, fear not. This Valentine's Day, the options for NYC's single folk are so abundant, you'll be making all your wifed-up buddies jealous in no time. We promise. Besides ... you're living in America's best city for singles, remember?


EVENT OPTIONS FOR SINGLES:

"Love Stinks" at Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater
Monday, Feb. 15, 9:30 p.m.
Come see some of the most outlandish writers and performers the day after Valentine's Day and celebrate singledom together. Cast members like Chris Gethard and Kate Spencer recount breakup tales from their relationship pasts ... and they have a great time doing it, too! So, if you're feeling lonely and already planning your suicide this weekend, come out from hole in the wall and suffer with some of the funniest people in NYC.

Cupid's Stupid at the Town Tavern
Saturday, Feb. 13, 8 p.m.
Commiserate with other NYC singles at everyone's favorite two-story neighborhood dive. With domestic drafts, cosmos, and love potion shots only $3 each, you can drink away your sorrows for dirt cheap. Why blow all of your money on a date anyway?

Anti–Valentine's Day Ex-orcism Party at the Village Pourhouse
Sunday, Feb. 14; 7 p.m.
Bring a picture of an ex to pin up on the dartboard and receive a free Bud Light draft, hit the Bulls Eye and win a Free Hour of Open Bar at the Village Pourhouse. Admission is free and the recommended attire is black to reflect everyone's black hearts (not to sound too spiteful or anything).

The Sunburnt Cow "No Love@The Cow"
Sunday, Feb. 14, 8 p.m.
With an "Ice Luge of Love" and a $20 dollar all-you-can-drink happy hour (that lasts for two hours), you'll forget it's Valentine's Day in no time at this Alphabet City staple's Single's Eve event.

"New York's Largest Singles Anti–Valentine's Day Bash" at Amnesia
Saturday, Feb. 13, 7:30 p.m.
We'd pay the $19.99 admission fee in advance just to see what the "Feng Shui Love Consultations" being offered consist of. If that doesn't excite you, they'll have free drinks and hors d'oeuvres from 7:30 to 8:30 at this brand new Chelsea nightclub. And stick around later for a live DJ set at 10 featuring Joel Madden of Good Charlotte.

Vampire Ball of New York at Element
Sunday, Feb. 14
If you're a victim of the vampire craze and want to indulge in a little fang-tasy on V-Day, come celebrate at the Vampire Ball. This event has been running for 14 years and is guaranteed to quench your thirst for a fun night. We can't guarantee that Kristen Bell or Sookie Stackhouse will be there, but we're sure you'll find lookalikes -- especially since tickets at the door cost $30 if you're not in full dress. So, make sure to get them in advance and pick up a kick-ass outfit at Gothic Renaissance.


The 5th Annual I Hate Valentine's Day Party at Nolita House
Thursday, Feb. 11, 10 p.m.
Start the weekend off right with some old school hip-hop and funk, spun by DJ Bronson, at this casual upstairs bar that looks over Houston. If that's not enough to convince you, they'll have $6 champagne cocktails and flavored Stoli shots. All this plus no cover charge and free munchies at the bar.

If all else fails, and you're still completely bitter, stay home and order a VooDoo doll, or send a Nastygram. (Personal faves include: "I Faked It Every Time," "C-nt," "Guess Who I Slept With?" and "Your Presence Lowers My I.Q.")