Attending Macworld 2010 is like stepping into Futureland at Disney World. Held at the Moscone Center in cyber-hub San Francisco this Thursday through Saturday, Macworld is a celebration of all things Apple, featuring product demos that would make a caveman's brain explode from its cranium.

Mix that with cool seminars and experts giving you the full tech skinny on cutting-edge products, and you've got the makings for one hell of a Mac-tastic event.

It's also completely insane. Asylum asked me to be on hand at the opening day of the legendary geekfest and I cruised around my first expo like a Cro-Magnon man discovering fire.

Read on, my friends, read on......

Where to start? Inside the Macworld expo floor, my senses are overwhelmed in the same manner a simpleton's would be if he stared too long at a shiny object. There are 230 vendors and an expected crowd of 30,000 attendees throughout the weekend.

The place is packed -- mostly with awkward men who look like they invented the Internet (with the help of Al Gore, of course). Conversation topics lean toward hard-drive issues and comparisons of gigabyte motherboards. To put it in layman's terms, the expo has a hell of a lot of "awesome stuff." Plus booth babes!

"We are environmentally friendly!" exclaims the rep for sound equipment manufacturer Edifier, who has a shaved head and is dressed from head-to-toe in all black. "Our carpet is recyclable!"

Tech-product booths run the full gamut, but Edifier's stark, white booth (pictured at left) could be confused for a strange German disco at which Brüno clones would be doing a weird, existential dance while wearing only a black turtleneck, a fur G-string, and cowboy boots. Time for me to push on.

On the other end of the spectrum: Old-timey software guys in suspenders who looked like they might have hung out in Steve Jobs's Los Altos garage when he was tinkering around with the very first Apple computer.

Note: Even old people are interested in computer stuff.

Here's a lady in a spaceman outfit inexplicably accessorized by a cape and hot pants. It seems she's promoting an iPhone app that has nothing at all to do with being a spaceman, wearing capes, or sporting hot pants. Or being a hot babe, for that matter.

"What's this for?" I ask the booth babe as she hands me a flyer.

"TuneUp."

"Tuna?"

"No. TuneUp."

"Okay. But do you know where I can get some tuna?"
Some booth babes are much sexier than others. This is what I learn when I have my picture taken with the sultry temptress hawking Microsoft Excel. Seductively, I whispered in her ear, "I use you for spread sheets."

Come on Microsoft Office -- you don't need sex to sell your fine products!

Note: This is concept photo of what Microsoft Excel would look like if it had the legs of a woman.

My personal favorite booth has to be that of Algoriddim, the German company that puts out djay software for iTunes. The program enables you to mix and loop tracks, to scratch, and to add your own vocal tracks. I can't stress enough how much I love this product.

Note: Are you listening, Algoriddim??? I would love a free djay software package! Hint hint!

To get a booth at MacWorld, companies have to fork over $5K and up -- depending on their strategic position on the showroom floor. Thus, larger companies like Microsoft and those who make cutting-edge products for music recording or video production get all the heat at Macworld.

But I'm more interested in exploring the underdogs at this big tech expo -- those men and women who are following their mad dreams of being the next Steve Wozniak (like the dude pictured here) Of course, their booths are situated in the showroom hinterlands by the emergency exits and restrooms.

No matter -- it's time to salute the unsung heroes of the expo!

"We're the world interactive police scanner," says the dude, clad in a law-enforcement uniform and mirrored shades. "You can listen to some 2,300 police transmissions from all over the world -- and post messages."

"Isn't that illegal?" I ask.

"It's illegal to communicate with them."

[Awkward silence.]

"You've heard of reality TV?" he says.

"Yes," I reply.

"Well, this is a reality app."

[More awkward silence.]

"Police Scanner 2 -- we're the good guys!"

[Pause.]

"Okay," I say.

"We're adding major features every week," exclaims a man wearing Mickey Mouse ears and nestled under a banner that reads "Life's too short to wait in line."

"It's so you don't have to wait in line for 3 hours for a ride at Disneyland," he adds, stating the obvious.

[Pause.]

"Okay," I say.

Datecheck fascinated the hell out of me -- but it also creeped me out beyond belief.

Say you are a woman, and a guy you meet at a bar gives you his phone number or e-mail address. Well, you can plug the info into Datecheck, and it will quickly perform a background check on that very person -- giving you access to such information as his criminal record, the square footage of his house, what he paid for his home, how many people he lives with, and where he works.

Bonus: If they do have a criminal record, you can pay Datecheck $20 to find out what exactly the offense is for.

"Lookup Before You Hookup" is their motto.

"It's all public-available information," exclaims the perky Datecheck rep, whose app stand is the only one at the expo with a jar of free condoms as schwag.

"Wouldn't crazy people use that to stalk you?" I ask, shifting uncomfortably.

"They could, but this is supposed to be used for dating."

"Look up before you hookup," I awkwardly laugh. Yes, Big Brother is now dating you!

"We're the Cadillac of bible software," remarked the men in glasses representing Logos Bible Software. "We're the only Bible software company here at the expo."

[Pause.]

"Okay," I say.

What would a tech expo be without a wide assortment of really ugly clothes and accessories designed to fit your cell phones, iPods, netbooks, and other loose tech devices?

Imagines the months of not getting laid while wearing this!

Two pairs of gloves lay on a lone table. They look like oven mitts, or those clunky asbestos gloves used by firemen.

"It's a glove for your iPhone -- this is the prototype," says the rep as he hands me one of the two pairs of gloves on the lone table. "That's about it."

The glove reminds me of the Ali G sketch where he pitches Donald Trump on his entrepreneur idea: Ice Cream Glove.

"I usually use a golf glove," mutters a man passing by. "It's the only glove that works."

[Awkward silence.]

"It's made in the U.S.A." adds the rep.

The funny thing is, there are more than 5 iPhone glove companies present at Macworld. Touch Gloves ruled the day with its fancy Hungarian silk designer iPhone gloves.

"So, you walk around like Michael Jackson," an observer snorts.

"You say that, but the designer is from Europe and designed Michael Jackson's glove," clarifies the woman modeling the iPhone glove.

Note: This doesn't seem like a selling point.

Wicked -- a robot! I get to see a robot at this booth. Everyone loves robots!

"Our service is for tidying up files," says the Tidy Up! rep.

"Great! But where's your robot?"

"We don't have a robot," he says. "We should get one. Everyone asked about that."

He pauses to consider further. "Maybe we could have it giving out little candies?"

[Pause.]

"Okay," I say.

This sad older man sits alone at his booth with his computer desk mount that looks as if he built it in his tool shed. The man is lonely. A large sign reads: "Patent Pending."

His vision is to introduce the world to this safety device, which is supposed to protect your computer in the event of earthquake.

"This is loose," he admits to his sole customer while demonstrating the device. "You get the clamp along with this one.

My Macworld foray ended by pulling a middle-aged Asian woman around, at her request, on the back of some luggage she was trying to sell. Sometimes low-tech is better than high-tech.

Macworld: I love you. Oui, oui, Macworld, mon amour!

Harmon Leon is the author of 6 books and has appeared on "The Howard Stern Show" and "Last Call with Carson Daly." His most recent article for Asylum was covering the Westboro Baptist Church's protest outside the headquarters of Twitter.