Did you know that pigs have a corkscrew penis and routinely ejaculate more than a pint of semen? I do.

Those are just two of the interesting facts I learned at "Woo at the Zoo," a brunch-time lecture held this past Valentine's Day at the San Francisco Zoo.

While most men were using the day to cozy up to their significant others, I spent mine surrounded by total strangers looking at slides of animals having sex. It doesn't get any more romantic than that.

Read on to find out what the most awesome zoo-sanctioned discussion in history was like. In other words, it's time to learn about the birds and the bees ... and the elephants and rhinos, too.

Did you know that jellyfish are into oral sex, opossums have the ability to get pregnant even if they are already pregnant and lemurs like to take part in gangbangs?

Did I mention that this program is for adults only?
The affair, which costs $65 a head, is the mad brainchild of Jane Tollini (pictured here). She's the San Francisco Zoo's former penguin keeper and an all-around enthusiastic animal-sex expert who has put on this event for the past 21 years. "You need an old, prestigious, grizzly woman who's been there, done that," she proclaims about leading this beastly coitus celebration.
There's nothing like the lethal combination of alcohol and animal-sex talk. Knock back a few, and it seems like anything could happen. (After all it is Valentine's Day.) As Tollini gamely dishes about various fauna -- chimpanzees have strange foot fetishes, ducks are the rapists of the animal kingdom -- the crowd sits back, swilling champagne and chowing down on French toast.
"Who's a virgin?" asks Tollini, reminding you of your nutty aunt -- if your nutty aunt talked a lot about animal sex.

Numerous hands go up among the room of roughly 100 coupled patrons. "You are in for the shock of your life!" she says. "Animals do everything we do -- but with a twist."

I briefly ponder if animals are familiar with the terms "rusty trombone" and "the wheelbarrow."

"This is the tackiest, smuttiest sex tour," laughs Tollini. "I can't tell you how proud my mother is that I talk about animals having sex."
"We're going to start with penises!" Tollini, gesticulating wildly. "We're going to look at rhino penises compared to a bear's bone, which is barely enough to get the job done. We'll look at the zebra's hinge penis, which is designed for run, run, run, screw, screw, screw."

Tollini then asks two men to stand up. "The two of them together are nowhere near the size of a blue-whale penis," she says, as impressed "oohs" and "aahs" rumble through the crowd.
"Now we're going to turn to vaginas," Tollini exclaims, shifting gears. "Vaginas [so large] you could lose your entire family in them while driving a Jeep Cherokee." A large elephant coochie is flashed on screen. (It's probably better if I, instead, just show you this picture of our refreshing brunch cocktails.)
Sure, I'm jaded and live in San Francisco, but the nuggets of bizarre/interesting/oh-my-God-information Tollini divulges along with salacious slides like this one blew this humanoid's mind.
"Bears can go down on themselves," continues Tollini, pointing out that the bear's nose in this image is not coated with honey. "In some zoos we have to take them off the exhibit, because they'll do it all day long. If you could, would you leave the house?"

Oh, Winnie the Pooh; you certainly are a mischievous bear!
I begin to feel like the creepy guy, as I sit on my own, furiously scribbling notes and taking photos of the slides. Personally, I find it strange to hear the word "ejaculate" repeated over and over again at a zoo.

"What you see on the top of her head is not whipped cream!" announces Tollini, before explaining that when our humped friend, the camel, gets too crazy, a pill the size of an apricot is inserted up the female's hoo-hah as a form of birth control.

"How would you like that job?" she asks the group.


"A dolphin's penis swivels and rotates!" says Tollini, as the discussion continues. Also, dolphins engage in group sex, girl-on-girl sex, boy-on-boy sex, and masturbation.

In this way, dolphins sound vaguely similar to Paris Hilton and her entourage. Apparently, when they are really horny, they can be found desperately trying to hump the shell of sea turtles, wiggly eels or, in extreme cases, the blowhole of other dolphins.

I try to decide whether "Woo at the Zoo" would make its attendees horny or unlikely to ever want to have sex again. Maybe they'll end up having sex like koalas, which try to tear each other apart immediately afterward, or rhinos, whose idea of foreplay is to head-butt each other until bloody.

Sure, it's adorable that millipedes have sex belly-to-belly and wrap their 230 legs around each other and actually kiss, but that's mixed with stories of zoo workers having to jack off an ancient orangutan, since these primates need 30 to 40 minutes of pure thrusting in order to orgasm. Even more of a mood-ruiner: The story of a tapir who stumbled over its own elongated penis, causing it to turn black and fall off (at which point the tapir picked it up and ate it).


Next, Tollini explains the horse's mating process, which sounds like a bad hookup at an airport T.G.I. Friday's. "The female pees on her feet," she says. "He smells it and become receptive. That starts the five-legged horse."

And much like us guys, the male horse knows exactly what to do when finished.

Oh, animal kingdom -- you truly are one hell of a kinky bunch.
Harmon Leon is the author of six books and has appeared on "The Howard Stern Show" and "Last Call With Carson Daly."