Cyberstalking an ex-girlfriend can be extremely therapeutic when she's fat, boring or in rehab. The only problem is when she's hot, successful and married ... to another woman.

"I have something I need to tell you," Bethany told me four years ago over the phone.

Nothing positive ever follows that statement. No woman will ever say, "I have something I need to tell you ... I've invented whiskey that cures impotence." And that's not just because women are crappy inventors.

Knowing ill-fate awaited, I met Bethany at the coffee shop. What else could I do? Children realize they're not going to Disneyland when the dentist's office comes into view -- but they still hold tight and hope ice cream will follow.

After the inevitable bad news, perhaps there would be breakup sex, right? One last sweet binge before the crushing bitterness. I hoped for this even though Bethany and I hadn't even had sloppy-drunk third-date sex.

She avoided the topic of sex and I acted like it didn't bother me because she was beautiful, funny and had a small part in the upcoming Tenacious D movie.

Trying to inspire pity lust, I bought her the double-mocha-caramel thing she loved. She took a sip. The whip cream on her lip transported into a brief sexual fantasy until she said, "I'm gay."

A ton of rainbow-colored bricks hit me. I never saw that coming. I thought a boyfriend is at least promised an awkward threesome as the girl stumbles across bisexual limbo. However, I just got a hug and the promise of friendship.

People insist there must have been signs, but even in hindsight I can't see them. She wouldn't sleep with me, but that wasn't uncommon. I often balanced on the edge between "best friend" and "backup boyfriend."

My friends hadn't guessed that she was gay either. After all, she had played the cute chick who dies in two B-horror movies. They reasoned my effeminate touch must have turned her. I've been called a gentle lover, a light breeze beneath the covers.

But not-so-heavy petting couldn't have made her a lesbian, could it? I assured them she'd be back after her experiment.

Years passed and during a moment of "Where has my life gone?" ennui, I Googled her name. Under the New York Times Weddings/Celebrations section, an article announced Bethany's engagement to a banker named Claudette. Bethany no longer acts, but counsels gay and lesbian youths in New York. Wow, sometimes actresses aren't lying when they claim to have a B.S. in psychology.

Were my friends right? Did I turn her? Or was I just the chubby girl in drama class? The one all the gay men date before taking that last step out of the closet?

I'd like to ask Bethany, but I can't even find her on Facebook. She lives behind a thick rainbow curtain. All I can do is touch my current girlfriend as masculinely as possible. I really like her and don't want to take any chances.

Ryan McKee is an Asylum contributor who has had sex before.

Asylum's Dating/Love category is brought to you by Gillette ...

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