A funnier version of Bukowski
, comedian Kyle Kinane is a favorite among the alternative-comedy audience. TV appearances on "Last Call With Carson Daly" and Comedy Central's "Live at Gotham" have given him some exposure, but his brilliant new album "Death of the Party
," on AST Records
, will attract new legions of followers with his tales of misadventure, bunny sex and drinking like a werewolf.
Kinane told us four of his craziest drinking stores that ended in the death of a party. Click through to learn how you can do the same.
1. Perform a Naked Diving Elbow Drop
Attend a friend's wedding and hit the open bar hard. When your friend's sister tries to sleep, jump up and down on her bed. Make sure to be naked. It's OK, you're all friends, it's not weird. Suddenly dive off the bed and elbow drop a decorative bowl on the coffee table. The glass will slice your arm. Drunk, naked and bloody -- your friends realize they must deal with you.
The emergency room visit will take four hours and result in over 30 stitches. As your friends walk you out of the hospital at 7 a.m., the party will be a distant memory.
2. Steal the Mirror With a Sailboat Frosted on It
At the Halloween party, attempt to steal a large sombrero off a girl's head. She'll be dressed as a Slutty Day Laborer, Slutty Speedy Gonzalez or Slutty Generic Mexican Gentleman. She'll stop you, but you retaliate by stealing the large mirror with a sailboat frosted on it. Outside, your friend congratulates you as cops appear from nowhere. You drop the mirror in surprise. It shatters, meaning seven more years of party fouls for you.
The cops bust the party. The homeowners blame you for ruining the night and press charges for the mirror. You'll be charged with theft, criminal damage to property and spend the night in jail.
3. Loudly Demand Handjobs
You have to throw up. You remove your shirt, not wanting to get puke on it. After vomiting, you suddenly have to crap, so you also take off your pants. Looking down at your naked body on the toilet, you get horny. You could use a hand-job. People are knocking because you've been in there awhile. You begin yelling that you won't come out without a handjob. You figure that's no big deal -- hey, it's not a blowjob.
The parents of your friend throwing the party are upstairs. They have eight kids. They've seen it all and are too old to care if their youngest daughter throws a kegger. However, upon hearing your screams for handjobs, they kick everyone out. After raising seven sons, they thought they'd seen everything ... until you.
4. Paint Your Face Like Ace Frehley
Attend the party as the Spaceman from KISS. It can be Halloween, but it doesn't have to be. When fully inebriated, begin sucking face with the German exchange student your buddy likes.
Afterward, your friend asks if you were making out with the German chick. "What German chick?" you lie. Just then, she approaches you both with Ace Frehley makeup smeared across her face. Suddenly the party ends, and possibly your friendship.