As we celebrate Mustache March
by paying homage to the greatest fuzz this side of Tom Selleck's upper lip, let us not forget about the whiskers that roam elsewhere on a man's face. And most importantly, what women think about them.
From the beard to the goatee to the -- why dear God, why?
-- chinstrap, which of these mug hairstyles will attract the fairer sex
? We asked six real guys to submit photos of their furry faces, for our panel of women to critique.
Chris, 30, San Diego
"When the leaves start to fall and breeze starts to bite, I start forgetting the razor. The winter coat forms and this is what my wife sees for three months."
Extreme hirsuteness may work for some men, like "vikings" or serial killers," but most women will find it "terrifying." Still, she'll enjoy the freedom it gives her to shirk her own grooming duties, because this "beard monstrosity" gives her "permission to let her bikini line grow wild."
Ryan, 30, Albany, Ore.
"If I had to have a name for this style, I would call it 'freakin' awesome.' I wear it this way because when I chew my tobacco, I can still spit and it won't get stuck in my beard."
The "inverted goatee" look is "confusing," making women ponder whether "he's just really proud of his chin" or if "he doesn't understand how razors work." Although he seems like "a fun guy," he's also the type who "probably still lives at home," where he's "flashing on ChatRoulette
Tristan, 25, Charleston, S.C.
"This used to be a mustache, but I decided to switch it out for a more traditional goatee. When it comes to grooming, I usually trim it every other week. I think it makes me look older."
Women are so-so about goatees, with feelings ranging from "meh" to "luke-warm." Even though he's "making a centerpiece out of his mouth," it's not necessarily a good thing, since "kissing him would result in a chin rash." On the bright side, he seems like "every girl's best friend." On the down side, he seems like "every girl's best friend."
Will, 26, Portland, Ore.
"The shape of my face requires some amount of hair on it in order to make sense. I've tried various forms of beards both earnestly and ironically, and I put on my chinstrap because it is the only aesthetically humane thing to do."
Whether this "perplexing" facial hair is a result of "laziness," "personal expression" or "thumbing his nose at society," he needs to just "OMG, take it all off already," because the "Brazilian bikini-esque" hairstyle never works above the belt.
Neil, 25, Bailey, Colo. (submitted by his brother, Nels)
"Neil wears his facial hair proud. We went out in downtown Denver last weekend, and I'd have to say, the chicks dug it."
The "flavor savor" look is "very 1995," so she might do you for nostalgia's sake. But more than likely, she'll keep you in the "friend zone" with the possibility of a "drunken make-out." While women admire the "creativity," a "full beard would be preferred," because the only guy who can truly pull this off this facial hair is Colonel Sanders
Adam, 27, Syracuse, N.Y.
"I wear my facial hair this way so that I look older for my sales job. People feel more comfortable with it than some other choices. I also think it improves my love life."
These whiskers are the "most normal of the bunch," because it's the "closest to a full beard" and it's "neatly tended to." Although some argue that "head hair and facial hair should not be the same length," and if he "pulled a Daughtry" and "rocked a beard with a shaved head," he would be even hotter.
Hopefully these guidelines will help you sculpt your man-fur in an aesthetically pleasing and lady-attracting way. But in the end, it's all about what matters most to you -- meeting women or having a really freakin' sweet mustache.
How Much Do You Groom?
|1-2 hours a day -- they call me metrosexual. Cleanliness is next to everything.||3204 (6.6%)|
|1 hour a day -- manscaping is a necessity, I get a 5 o'clock shadow at noon.||8328 (17.2%)|
|30 min. a day -- my biggest concern is remembering deodorant.||31081 (64.3%)|
|Bath time is on Saturday. I'm lucky if I don't clear a room.||5741 (11.9%)|