Marriage, eh? It's frightening and expensive ... and for some reason, you still want to do it. But the wedding dresses and the receptions and the stress and the bad dancing and the church and all that ... can't that be avoided?

Well, yes, it can. You could marry a dog. Or a goat. Or a pillow. The pillow is what put us onto this crazy marriage phenomenon in the first place, as news of a man marrying his cuddly, squishy, feather-filled friend came to light recently.

So to find out why and how people have pledged their lives to inanimate objects, animals and computer game characters, read on, intrepid Internet traveler, and prepare to think differently about the whole marriage thing.

So I married a dog.
Why? Good old-fashioned rural Indian superstition. After noticing a tooth growing out of their son's upper gums, village elders suggested that the boy in question, 1-and-a-half-year-old Sangula, should marry a dog. This, according to legend, fends off the chances of Sangula being attacked by a tiger, the typical result of having a spare tooth, according to the superstition. Simple, really!
Best man gag: "I've known Sangula for a long time now, but there's one song I hope he never forgets -- Jay-Z's '99 Problems ... and the bitch ain't one.'"

So I married a roller coaster.
Why? American teenager Amy Wolfe suffers from "objectum sexuality" -- a bizarre condition where humans become attracted (both sexually and emotionally) to inanimate objects, and the one she picked is an 80-foot-high gondola ride called "1001 Nachts." She rides her lover 300 times a year, and has pictures of "him" all over her bedroom. The staff of the theme park regularly lets her in to see her partner, who "lives" 80 miles away from where she does. Long-distance relationships are a bitch, no?
Best man gag: "I wish both of them well, but I just hope they remember ... life has its ups and downs, its highs and lows, its corkscrews and its loop-de-loops ..."

So I married a dead man.
Why? After her husband-to-be died in a horrific car accident, French bride to be Christelle Demichel had to ask President Jacques Chirac (this was back in 2004, you see) for the authorization required to become both a wife and a widow at the same time. These kinds of weddings are specifically allowed in French law, but only if the president approves, which, thank goodness he did.
Best man gag: Would be misplaced on this occasion

So I married the Berlin Wall.
Why? Arguably the most famous example of "objectum sexuality," Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer (whose surname translates from German into, you guessed it, "Berlin Wall") married the structure back in 1979, but insists that her heart remains true to her beloved wall, and she's never tempted by other bricky beefcakes, saying: "The Great Wall of China's attractive, but he's too thick -- my husband is sexier." And yep, she was distraught when they knocked "him" down in 1989. "What they did was awful. They mutilated my husband."
Best man gag: "I'd like the bride and groom to never, ever remember the immortal words of Chumbawumba: 'I get knocked down - but I get up again.'"

So I married a goat.
Why? Mr Alifi, from the Upper Nile region of Sudan, got royally busted having sex with a goat. Bad enough, getting caught, you might think... but a council of elders ordered Mr Alifi to marry the animal and pay its owner 15,000 Sudanese dollars.
Best man gag: "I was going to joke about you guys not needing a 'nanny' for the 'kids' but someone already bleat me to it..."

So I married a fictional character.
Why? In Japan, there's a dating computer game called "Love Plus" – in this game you meet and "go out with" (a phrase which couldn't be more ironic if it tried) an imaginary, Nintendo DS-created woman. One such hypothetical e-lady called Nene Anegasaki married a hypernerd who goes by the name of Sal9000 at the Toyko Institute of Technology last year, which was broadcast all over the internet and gained worldwide attention. She even gave a speech, apparently. Which was ... weird.
Best man gag: "I think we can all agree we hope their wedding night is as animated as her, um, face, body and walking mechanics."